J.L.R. <3

6/28/83-3/16/07

This is the woman who was the love of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me, the only one who ever held my heart. As hard as it is for me to finally post this image, it's blissful at the same time. It's been 9 months since she passed. I have nothing but gratitude for everything she was and everything she did and everything she opened up to me.

Love of my life, light of my mind, fire in my belly, air in my lungs, inspiration in my sorrow....Jess may you finally rest in peace and be released from all the abuse you endured. Thank you for sharing your life with me, for opening me up to become the person we both know I can. 143 forever and always.

Central Park

OKAY.
I understand why people would ask this woman these questions...because they are uneducated when it comes to rape. Sure maybe it wasn't the safest thing to run in Central Park at night, BUT it wasn't stupid. People, men and women, have every right to be where they want when they want and not expect consequences like being raped. What if she had been raped in the middle of the afternoon in the park? Not like that's never happened before. Central Park can be as safe or dangerous as any other place in the world. Fact is people have been attacked in broad daylight there. What would you say to her then... Were you wearing provocative clothing? I mean seriously, come on people. No one asks to be raped. No one! It's not her fault that she was raped, no matter what she was doing or when or where. Plain and simple, end of story.

Read the article and form your own opinion.

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/11/15/central-park-rape-victim-and-oprah-at-odds/

5 Speed

To me it's amazing that as you begin to heal, things in every aspect of your life change.

With my current situation, I all of a sudden find myself entirely focused and tuned into what I need and what my body is telling me. The human body is far more skilled at involuntary action that I ever realized. There are so many things that your body and your brain do to protect you, it's amazing. Your body knows better than your conscious self does sometimes, what is best for you. We have to stop being afraid to ask for what we need. It's important not to deny yourself. A lot of people tend to think of others before they think of themselves. I myself being one of those people. To be a caregiver is far easier than to ask for and let someone come that close and take care of you. It's a part of the pattern of keeping people at a safe distance. It's good to let people in. It helps more than you'd ever think. Though it may be difficult to cross that first threshold and allow someone in, it will be worth it in the end. You really will feel supported and understood. I only speak from my own experiences and those of the people close to me that I've seen this same thing happen to. To jeopardize such important things, by not asking for help or asking for the things you need, is foolish. And although you may see a situation in a specific way, often times you are too close to have an accurate perspective. If someone you trust can offer you insights and a new perspective that can change the situation and maybe even make things easier.

As these foreign instincts flood into my body I am starting to see what it's like when I live a happy, whole life. Everything happens for a reason. The timing is never wrong. Everything you need will come to you when the time is right. As I have been in need and trust that God will provide for me, things have appeared. I'm not talking about magic, I'm talking about manifestation. You can literally attract things to you with your thought patterns. I had to push my pride to the back burner and learn to ask for what I need and not feel guilty about it. Guilt will eat you alive, especially when it's unnecessary. If you are able to release that guilt and fill the empty space with compassion for yourself and your needs, you will be surprised to see how much differently you feel.

And as parting wisdom, not everyone can read all over your face, or see into your brain, to know what's going on. It's obvious to you when something is up because it's happening to you, other people don't always see you differently. They don't always know when something is wrong. Be careful when you make assumptions. I learned that lesson.

The Light

So I had a phone conversation with someone last night. She knows who she is :). It was very honest and it felt good! I feel like she understands so well.

Anyways, I just wanted to express some thoughts about the conversation.

A lot of things have changed for me in the past year and a half. I feel like I have come so far. It's a long road from losing my wife and my child to where I am now. I have done so much healing, yet there is still so much more to be done. I don't think you're ever entirely finished healing. It's one of those things you can get the majority of it done, but there are always ways to become a better, healthier, more whole person. For my circumstance the majority of the healing revolved around being able to just make through one day. I used to force myself out of bed, into the shower, and to sit down and eat. I was crying all the time, getting sick, my blood sugar was going crazy, and I had chronic headaches. If anyone has ever told you that some of the side effects of trauma are health problems...BELIEVE them! So in the conversation I was having last night I was telling her how much easier things are for me. Now most days I wake up, spend my day, and go to bed happy. Of course I have an occasional bad day, but who doesn't. The point is...I made progress. I have deeper roots in my faith than I have ever had in my life. I'm happy and healthy, and I'm starting my life on a new page. I am so greatful and so blessed by all of the amazing people I have in my life. I don't know how I came across most of these people, but God doesn't do anything by accident. I honestly feel like my life is so much better. I am truly uplifted by God, by the people I love, by the people I don't know who pray for me so often, and by the little things that come into my life every single day that make me smile. :)

So I wanted to share my testimony with everyone on here. Life gets better, it really and truly does. If you just persue what you need and what you want, good things will come to you. My life is good, and it took me a long time to get here. Yea it was a stuggle and a fight for a long time there, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! I swear. It's there, I'm living proof and there are so many others. Trust in yourself. Think of yourself often, do not put your needs in the terms of healing on the back burner. Healing is paramount! Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Bit Angry

So I've made it to Washington safely. YAY! My car however, is in rough shape! It may be headed to the junkyard on Tuesday. We'll see.

So I have one thing to say...I am sick and tired of the injustice that occurs in this world every single day in such a careless manner that you'd think it were the same as breathing! People just don't give a fuck about other people anymore. In the general population we need to be more aware and more sensitive. GEEZ. Do I sound angry? That's because I am! GRR! People just stop and think before you do anything, okay!

Enough

I'm back in the United States. I'm not sure yet where I am going. All I know is that I need to hurry up and buckle down. I cannot find myself about to have a baby with no job and no money saved. That's just not an option for me. I refuse to be a bad parent, I refuse to let me child experience any kind of abuse or foster care system. That's all just too fucked up. This human being is going to be entirely dependent upon me and I intend to do a damn good job. I may have lost everything else, but I will not, WILL NOT, lose my child if I can help it! It's the one chance I have to do something really good in this world. It's true that kids change your life. I'm not looking for that though. I've done enough life changing on my own. I'm ready to be the positive influence in someone else's life! I'm ready to be the one who looks at that child and knows that it's everything. I have more than enough love to give and knowledge to share. It's really important to me that I be able to give my child what was taken away from me. I want him/her to always know that they are loved, and not feel like they are unloveable. I want him/her to always have a solid sense of where they belong, and not to have to wonder where they fit in or where they came from or where they can go. I don't want there to be holes in this child's life. If there will only ever be one thing I fully succeed at, then I pray to God, down on my knees begging, that this be it!

Es una muestra.

Es una muestra. La vida es diciendome que sea hora de moverse a continuacion. Entiendo, pero no es facil. Me han dado una vida a crear, y las vidas se han quitado de mi. No tengo nada mas decir...

Happy and Healthy

GEEZ

Sorry things have been so busy, I haven't been able to get on and write. I've thought about it probably 6 or 7 times but haven't gotten around to it. I am having the most fabulous time here in Colombia with my family. The one thing that I just can't stop thinking about is this: my Abuela and I have had several disagreements, but as soon as the next day comes, it's like nothing ever happened. She goes right back to loving me, feeding me, and teaching me. Not that I think that all goes away the minute we disagree, it's just strange that it seems to be accepted as totally normal? In foster care, when something happened and I mouthed off or got angry I would be continually punished for it. I know that I can't expect the same thing from my Abuela, I guess I just wasn't prepared for how much of a transition this would be. I figured I'd be able to learn family dynamics and that was it. Now I know better, now I know that family dynamics is something that you learn throughout your life and throughout your relationship with your family. I guess I shouldn't bitch about it ehh. I am greatful to be loved and to feel wanted. I am no longer an unwanted child of the "system", which by the way is so messed up! I was talking to my family today about my experiences in the group home and in being passed around from home to home. They were shocked. I guess I would be too, had I never been through it myself. They don't know much about the American system, and I'm afraid that they will hate America when I get done telling them about everything I've been through. I find myself back in the same place I was at when I first reunited with my Abuela, I want to tell them about me but I want to shelter them from hearing the bad things. They are adults though, they should be able to handle it. Today my Tia asked me about my education, I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. "Oh auntie didn't you know I dropped out of high school, worked in a strip culb, and got my GED through a place stationed in a building in lower Manhattan?"....GGEEEZZ! I told her I got my GED and went to Columbia University, she found that to be very interesting, the name of the school I went to I mean.
I really don't know why I am babbling on about nothing. I miss my American friends, I need contact with someone who knows me and who knows the way I need to trash talk our government. I really am happy here, and I'm getting a lot done in the way of healing. I'm just having some transitional issues, this Saturday will be 3 weeks that I've been here. I'm predicting that it will get easier in the very near future!
PS: I'm learning to cook...yes you read right...I'm learning to cook. Traditional food from scratch, not out of the box. I'm so psyched!
Miss you all! Love you! Email me and tell me your big news...my email is working!

September 11

Another year. Six years ago and I remember it like it's happening right in front of my face today! Tomorrow I will think about all those people. The firemen. They hold a special place in my heart after all those long weeks. I will never forget watching buildings collapse and burn. I saw more horrible things than even I care to remember...let alone write down. You don't want to read that shit. It's good for me to be away from the city, although it's the only place I feel I should be tomorrow. This is the first time in 6 years Jess and I will not be heading down to light candles and pray. Lots of firsts for me these days. Strange how the world works sometimes. I am doing well in Colombia with my Abuela. We went sight seeing today, I think mostly though, she wanted to talk to me alone. We had a long conversation about so many things...I talk to her more than anyone else lately. She has a lot of questions, a lot of time to hear stories, and a lot of wisdom to share. I suspect we could talk for days on end without any akward silence. She's good to me, she's good FOR me. I am learning so much. These 3 months are going to be a very crucial time in my life. I very much look forward to coming back to the states and moving, but I have all the patience in the world, because here I have a lot to absorb. Whether I noticed it or not, I fell into and found a place in this family. I belong here. I know for the first time in my life where I come from, where I've been, and where I will go. I no longer consider myself an orphan, I no longer consider myself to be unworthy of love. I really do believe that no matter how bad things get, you always have to keep fighting, because eventually everything comes full circle.

*A moment of silence in prayer for those who lost their lives, and for all those effected by the events of September 11, 2001.*

A New Start

In one week I will be heading back to see my Abuela. I'm going to be there for 3 months. At least that's how long my visa is for. I feel like these next three months will be the most important months of the rest of my life. This will be the first time since I was 16 that I won't be working all the time. This will be my time all to myself to heal and to learn about my family. I think I deserve to take time to focus on myself getting "better", if that's what you want to call it. It's going to be a big adjustment for me to spend a signifigant amount of time there and then come back to the states as a changed person. I'm really starting to feel like I fit in my own skin again. I'm getting back to a place where my life is happy, instead of plagued by all this 'trama shit'! I feel like I am in complete control of my life. Life is pretty damn good right now.

I don't really have as much to say as I thought I did. I just felt the need to write a little something.
Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Jail

Today was the retrial. I went to testify for the second time against the woman who sexually abused me from the ages of 7-9. She has been a foster mother for over 20 years, that's a lot of time to abuse children. It was a long process that all started with a letter. At the suggestion of Angela, I wrote a letter and delivered it to the department of childrens services and the police station. At first my letter was ignored, but once I showed up again to question their reasoning, the started a formal investigation. She was found to have been abusing two other girls that were in her custody as wards of the state. It went to trial and I testified as a character witness, since the statute had run out on my abuse, as I am now 24 years old. The end result of that trial was a hung jury. The judge decided after 48 hours that there would be a retrial...today. It has been one of the longest processes I've had to go through in my life. It really messed with my mind at first. I threw up, cried, and was almost unable to testify because I was so crazed with emotions. The second time I went in I threw up and cried a little, but I was much more in control. I knew that I was safe. The jury went out and practically came right back in with a guilty verdict. She was charged with 2 counts of sexual abuse in the 1st degree and 2 counts of child endangerment. She's going to jail for 20 years. That's a long fucking time. 20 years of prison for the 20 years of abuse she enflicted. Today I learned what justice is. Now I have total freedom. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. It was so well worth the struggle on my part because now, she can't hurt anymore little girls. I used my voice. It so possible for ANYONE to do the same thing. I never thought I would see her go to jail, but today I did. Now I can start my whole life over and gain back what I lost and more! I have absolutely no regrets!

B.L. (NY)

Coming Back Home

I will be on my way home soon. The retrial is August 27th, so I will be home somewhere around then. I promise to make some phone calls to some important people once I get my cell phone back. I'm pretty excited about coming back, although a little sad to be leaving my family. I've started to fit in here. It would be so easy to just stay, but here it would be so much more difficult to get back everything I used to have. In the US it's easier, more opportunities. I'm planning a move, you all know that. I think that will be the best thing for me. What used to be my life is no longer, I think starting over deserves a new location. What better time to relocate than when I have no strings to tie me down.

Since I've been here and I haven't been working I've had a lot of time to sit and write, to think, and to come to terms with everything. It's been a long road this past year and a half. Sometimes I can't believe just how long, I remember when it was good. Other times it seems like so long ago, I just turn away from it and look towards my future. I do have one. A future. That is one thing I have decided. I have a future, one that no one in the world will take away from me.

It has been 5 months now that Jess has been gone. That's almost half a year. I've been through the denial, the sadness, the anger, bargaining, I think now....I'm finally starting to accept it. I get that there is nothing I could have done to stop her. It was her choice to do something as stupid as she did. It hurts me still that she was so selfish, but for whatever reason, it was meant to happen. I'm sure I will still have days when I'm sad or angry. But Jess has moved on from the earth I live on. I know she's watching me. I know she loves me. I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I know she herself was hurting far too much to think of anyone else's pain. I feel a great amount of pain, knowing how much she hurt, knowing I couldn't take it away. I know that someone I loved more than anyone else in the world was in so much pain that not a single person could have stopped her. That hurts. I hate her father for the pain he enflicted on her and for the coward he became once she was dead! But to carry all of that anger and hurt around inside me is more damaging than it is for me to forgive a dead man.

As long as I've been here, I haven't had any flashbacks or nightmares. I've slept a sound 8 hours. For the first time in so long I can't remember, I am able to sleep. Knowing that my family is here to watch over me and keep me safe, knowing that no one here will hurt me, it's a relief. Not having to look over my shoulder and wonder if I will be safe, it feels good.

I've lost my city, my house, my child, my wife, my job, a part of me that I used to love, but still....there's something left. There is a part of me so raw and strong and beautiful I never knew existed. It doesn't come from what I've learned or how I grew up, it comes from something so much deeper than that. It comes from what women before me gave to me. I can't explain how I see myself now, because I can't entirely remember what it felt like to be me before all the shit. I'm different. I'm scarred, marked, bruised, whatever, but scars fade and bruises heal. When I reach the other end of the spectrum who knows what I will become. All I know is that whatever I look like then, I will be stronger and more able to help other people because of it. I survived.

I hope this finds you all well. I am sorry I haven't been in contact much. I hope that this will help to assure you all of my safety and well being. I love you. I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you. You are just as much my family as the people I'm staying with. Big hugs. See you and talk to you all very soon.

Trust

The place I'm in right now has been very comforting to me. It's eye opening. I love it, and I think after the retrial is over I may stay here for a few months. There are a lot of things I need to learn. I know that I am safe here, so I have been able to let go and feel. I'm not working, so I have a lot of time to myself. My realization has come and gone. I've lost everything. My home, my wife, my child, my job. Everything I've worked for is gone. I have to start over. I've hit rock fucking bottom, and I can only go up from here. When the last straw came, I lost my job, I was in total disbelief of what had just happened. Little by little my entire world just fell right out from underneath me, leaving me nothing to stand on. I'm forced to climb. This is a great opportunity for me to grow. This is a perfect opportunity for me to heal. If I take a few months off from everything and focus on healing, I think I will be at a great advantage when I move to my new home. I've already decided that I will call it home. It will be home. Once I'm there I won't leave unless I want to. I won't let trauma and people force me out. For a moment that's what ruled my life and took over. The moment I stepped foot in that hospital and filed that police report, and then got myself the hell outta dodge, that's when I took control of my life back. When I kick that lady's ass in retrial, I will be taking my control back. When I go home (to my new home) I will be taking my control back. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am stubborn and persistant and independent. I'm latina, what did you really expect? Lol! I can't be kicked onto my ass and stay there. I fucking refuse. It has been a real challenge to find the strength in me to do all of this. I'm still not sure I've found it, but I have people who are letting me borrow theirs. People are praying for me, uplifting me, giving me gifts of love and strength. I only hope that oneday I can repay them. I only hope that my fight makes some small difference. I hope it's worth it. I keep telling a friend to trust her gut, I guess it's time I eat my own advice and trust my gut. Trust that I deserve...

I love you! Hug!

Nightmares

The nightmares I've been having are really strange. It's nothing all that traumatic. In my dream I'm laying on my bed, and the window breaks and there is someone laying on top of me. I can't get the person off. I can't tell if it's a man or a woman, the person isn't hurting me. They just lay there on top of me and I can't move, or breath. I'm scared, I scream and cry. Then suddenly I find myself awake, sitting blot upright on my bed, screaming and crying. The window is not broken and there is no one on top of me, stifling me. I'm in panic mode. Ready to get up and run away or fight off an attack, but there's nothing real that's threatening my safety.

I have no idea what the fuck it means, or why I'm having it, or where it even came from! I know in this post it sounds minor, but it has taken me two days just to be able to type about it, to a computer screen. It doesn't bother me in my waking life, once I've overcome the panic and fear. It disturbs my sleep though. Once I've had this nightmare and I wake up, there is no sleep after that. I cannot get back to sleep. I either lay awake, or get up and get ready and go to work early. I've been working a lot of doubles lately.

I'm sure there must be some deep set reason for this nightmare, as there always is. I haven't found it. And until I do find it, there's not really much I or anyone else can do to help me. My whole life I've never really had many nightmares. I had a few when I was a kid. In my adult life though, I never had them until June of last year. HA go figure right. It is really taking a toll on me. All this dark imagination that is going on inside my head when I sleep. What would make me imagine such horrible things!? Some of it I know is based on traumatic events, but this....I just don't know. Until I do know, it will just have to be more restless nights.

My Mind Is Clear

I took off into the woods and spent time alone with myself. I got angry and screamed and threw things. I got sad and cried uncontrollably. I got happy and sang and danced in the rain. I became pensive and I sat in the dead quiet calm and thought. I felt energetic so I hiked and swam. I was tired and I slept. I was hungry and I ate. I hardly spoke. All I did was exist. Pure and simple. There was nothing to stop me from expressing myself because I was alone. There was nothing to interfere. No outside sources to make me worried or anxious. It was so basic. I needed it. I needed to get back to the most simple way of life I could. My metamorphosis is indescribable. I am clear and calm and strong. I am ready to fight. Ready for whatever is thrown at me. I am ready. I am ready.

COURT: First Day Of The Rest Of My Life?

What do you do when everything changes? When you sit infront of 40 people and tell your deepest, most well kept secrets? When someone you love and have known for years suddenly sees the old parts of you and realizes what abuse did to you? Is there one single moment of clarity? Or does it come in waves?

I sat in a court room filled with both familiar strangers and souls whose paths I'd never crossed. There were people in that room I have not seen since childhood. I lived with "her" from the ages of 7 to 9. Some people say that you can't clearly remember events or details from that age. I do. I think everyone can. I saw her face and it looked the same. Erase some wrinkles and some graying hair, and she is the same person. Her eyes never changed. Her presence is still haunting. The memories of her still make me sick, violently so.

The man called my name and I walked down the hallway, turned the corner into the room with Blair right behind me holding my hand, looked up from the floor and I saw her face. I immediately turned around and hit the next door, to the women's washroom, and threw up in the trash bin. The man who had called my name raced in behind us, but left. I assume he went to tell the judge or whoever what was going on. I stayed in the bathroom puking for 15 minutes. After I collected myself and washed the running makeup off my face, I went back in. This time I did not look at her. I ignored the fact that I could feel her stare bore right through me. I sat in this little 3 sided box in a hard, uncomfortable chair. The lawyer told me to answer all questions as straight-forwardly as possible. It took maybe 15 minutes at the most. I told my story. I wasn't scared of her. It's almost like this little wooden railing in front of me became an invisible barrier. I kept thinking in my head..."There's a cop with a gun, this barrier is protecting me, she ain't comin over here!" I cried while I spoke my truth. It's human I guess. I stared straight at her when I walked out. She knew me, she remembered. The second I first made eye contact with her I could tell, she recognized me for exactly who I am, and who I was.

Immediately afterwards I couldn't even look at Blair. I was so ashamed and embarassed that I took everything upon myself. I didn't think I'd be able to face her. I saw her tears when I was speaking and shedding my own. She didn't bring anything up, she let me choose the topic of conversation. All she did was hug me. That's the first time in a long time anyone has held me other than my Abuela. It's like she understood without any words. She just held me, and when I pulled away she kissed my forehead and told me that I was brave. We went and had ice cream and talked about clothes, ahh to feel like a kid again!

My whole drive home I listened to music and cried! I just cried, and I screamed, and I didn't care which trucker was looking at me like a nutcase. The moment I went into my room to change my clothes my pillow caught my eye. I lay down for a minute and started to cry. This wasn't the same as before though. This was not sad tears, this was fucking pissed off tears. I hit my bed and my pillow as hard as I could. Now it's like a calm has come over me. I was able to collect all of my thoughts and actually put them into words. I was able to sit here for 10 minutes and type out this blog entry. I feel like I've removed a malignant tumor from my chest cavity. I feel like an adult. I feel safe. In Angela Shelton's version, I feel like I've removed the sword.

Finding Solace

Ohh man last night was a bit dramatic! Totally unexpected. My Abuela and I had a long day, and I went in to take a shower after I thought she was in bed asleep. I'm not really sure why, but I totally lost it. I started crying hysterically! There was no real reason other than the fact that I was going to have to release all that pent up emotion at some point. I figured I could hold out until she at least went back home. Nope. Wrong. So anyways...I'm in the bathroom sitting on the floor with the shower running, crying uncontrolably and in walks my Abuela......can you see the expression on my face...ohh yea, fucking busted! There's no getting out of this one, not with her around. She's more stubborn and persistant than I am! So I had to tell her what I had been thinking about and what was bothering me so much that I was having a total meltdown!

I explained to her that being in NYC and meeting all my friends(family really), and seeing all the places I had lived, and visiting all the tourist attractions, seeing the sights, her asking about September 11, it all made me think of Jess. Every step on that sidewalk, every mile in those cabs, every bump of the subway, every blade of grass in Central Park,every smell, every sound, everything, everything, everything. Everything in NYC reminds me of the life I used to have and the wife that I lost and, GOD I FUCKING HATE HOW I FEEL! NYC is the only home I have ever had up until about a year ago. Everything that has ever happened in my life, happened there. All the good, all the bad, and all the inbetween. My abuse throughout foster care, my rape, my wife's torture by her father, seeing Jess alive for the last time, THE LAST TIME! I got my GED, went to college, worked my butt off, had a nice place to live, fell in love, had awesome friends, an active life, lots of interests, lots of ways to fulfill those interests, a wife!

Throw into the mix that for the first time, I stood face to face with a woman and a group of other people...who shared the blood flowing through my viens. I went to another country, the place I would have been born, and met my family. Not foster famly, not friends who are like family, FAMILY. The woman standing in front of me gave birth to my father. She is my mother, one step removed. She saved my mother from a horrible experience and took that upon herself. This woman has lived so much and knows more withought being schooled than I ever could wish to obtain in two lifetimes!

What's wrong she asked me...I'm on overload and I'm grieving my wife, and facing the abuse I endured. Flat out, there it is. I told her everything. How could I not? She stared at me with those black eyes that seem to know everything. She held my hands in hers, her hands that for over half a century have become perfect. They are tough, and wrinkled, and soft, and gentle, and skilled. She hugged me in her arms, arms that once hugged my parents. She told me that she understood. She told me I would be okay. She told me-what lasts forever is only what I choose. She explained that no matter how bad things are around you, you need to find something good. That's how you survive, that's how you fix things that need to be repaired. Every person is a mechanic of sorts, they all learn how to mend the wounds of themselves and others, dude is she amazing or what, I never would have thought that she would say things like this, or be able to comfort me this much.

Somehow in all of her speaking, which is soft and deep and low and a bit raspy, but so comforting, I stopped crying. I focused on her voice and her touch and without realizing, I focused on myself, something I am not very good at. Her accent and her spanish words rolled around in my head and sank in. They made more sense than anything I've heard since Jess said "I love you" just before she stopped hugging me to board the plane, I never heard her speak again after that. My Abuela is the only person who has been able to reach the woman I locked inside of myself since Jess died. It had slowly been happening, this locking away of a human soul, but Jess' death was the straw the was just too much, it made me lock the door and hide the key. She didn't even need the key to unlock the door. She just pushed it open. I let her in.

Grief

Grieving is not an easy process. I knew it would be more painful than I could ever try to imagine to lose someone I loved, but I just wasn't ready for this. I don't think anyone ever is. I keep stumbling upon all these new "steps" in the process. A friend told me that currently I am going through the stage where I am sad for MY PERSONAL loss. Whereas before, I was trying to console everyone else who lost Jess. I guess that was my coping mechanism. To focus my attention on helping other people deal with it. Suicide is fucking scary shit! I was offering everyone the tissues, while I remained dry eyed, with anger! I cried when I first found out, uncontrollably, but after that I was angry. I am still angry. Now though, I feel more sadness. It kills me to think that she is gone. It's hard to sleep, eat, shower, walk, breathe, and even speak some days. I know that all the anger I'm hanging onto isn't healthy, but someday soon I will release it. I've been talking to some great people. I've gathered a lot of information, now I just need to put my knowledge into action.

On a happier note, my Abuela came to visit me! YAY! I'm so proud of her for flying here. She's so brave. Especially at a time like now, while she is mourning my Abuelo's death. She doesn't talk as much here as she did when we were in Colombia, but she has asked to see a lot of things I never would have thought to show her. She keeps my on my toes with my Spanish, let me tell ya!! Not to mention my hair...
I lover her though. She is practically all the family I have in the world. Not too long ago I didn't think I had any real family at all. Now look. I'm the spitting image of my Abuela and my Tia! (Grandmother-Abuela...Aunt-Tia) for those of you who are Spanish challenged.
It's a little but scary for me to let her in. I think she is starting to understand more than I would like, what my life was like for the first 16 years. I wanted to shelter her from all of the horrible things, that make the "America is Perfect" idea a false promise. In a way it's good, but for her it's heartbreaking as well. The last thing I want to do is break her heart more than it already is. I will never know or understand how she has survived her life. She is my one true hero.

And there I end it,
but with a picture from my trip to Washington!

Home

Back in Granville, for those of you who knew that I went to Washington. For those of you who didn't know maybe you should think about and evaluate your position in my life. I had the most amazing, fucking awesome trip ever! I can't wait to go back. It is definately in the plan to move there as soon as possible. I find that I enjoy the west coast much more than the east coast. I will always love New York. It is my home. But after what happened to me there, I understand that it will be in my best interest to find myself a new place to call home.

My Abuela arrived today! She is staying with me for two weeks! So I am going to go and spend some time with her. I need to make sure that she gets the tour! LOL. Colombia is nothing like the town she is in now. I think they call this culture shock!

I hope all is well with everyone! I love you all and I am praying for you all! Talk to you soon. Call the cell or email if you need me.

Washington

Tomorrow morning I am off to Washington. I'm not taking my laptop with me, so I don't know if I will get time to blog while I'm away or not. I will be gone from June 18-July 6. So use my cell if you want/need to talk to me.

I'm excited to be leaving for a few weeks. I will be a good change of scenery for me. It's a trip for work, but I am looking at is as a vacation! In light of my recent "sleep problems" I am going to snooze the whole plane ride! I can't wait! I'm not sure what's up with my sleep cycle, but I'm gonna kick it back into shape!

Hopefully everyone is doing well! Talk to you all, as soon as I can!
Peace, Love, & Hugs!

I Don't Know What To Say...

I don't know what to say about this drawing. It scares me. I don't know where it came from or how I even managed to bring my pencil to that. The only thing I can even begin to read into that, is that it represents my foster mother and my rapist. I really...I don't know...

Dirty Work

Just a little while ago I wrote a letter and sent it to the people at child welfare and the police. It was a letter about the abuse and molestation I endured while living in one paticular foster home. The woman has two children of her own and has been a foster mother for 20 years or more. The other day I recieved a phone call from a friend of mine who was in foster care with me at that time. A detective spoke with her and was trying to get in touch with a lot of other people who have lived with her as well. She gave him my phone number. Today I spoke to him on the phone and he would like me to come to New York and fill out a formal statement. Tomorrow is my day off from work, and I will be driving down to meet him. This woman, who calls her self a mother, has already lost her license and any children she was caring for. Her own kids are grown, but I remember them, and I'm sure that they knew what was going on! It feels good to watch her go down for what she did, and also to be a part of it! It scares me too though. Big time. For two years she had complete control of my life! She did a damn good job of making me afraid of the dark and ruining my innocence! In previous posts I've said that I am sick of being down, and that I am not going to stand for this shit anymore. I meant it god damn it! Blair would call that my "latina charm"! Hehehe!

I am also in the process of trying to figure out what the hell to do with the pictures I have that would have convicted Jess' "dad". The detective who handled that case told me off. As far as that goes I think I may have hit a dead end, but we will see what happens while I am in NY in person. Maybe things will be a little different. So tomorrow is my "dirty work" day. I am going to take care of a few things that have been hanging over my head. I also can't wait to see all of my friends! I told one of them I was coming down and she got the rest of them together, so now we are taking over a resturante for some dinner and some girl talk. :-D

I will write an update in a few days, when things have calmed down.
Luv Ya!

New Poem

Before me is the mountain I must climb
All of my efforts get me half way up
But I lose my footing
The thread breaks
And I fall from grace
As before I will try again
I find myself once more at half way
I lose my footing
This time not a thread
But a rope holds me in place
As I regain my footing
And once again begin to climb
So that should I reach the summit
I may find grace

Quietly Collected Thoughts

I have been thinking about a lot of things. Sometimes it's just not the time to put your thoughts out there yet though....know what I mean? I like to just let things sit in my brain and roll around for a few days sometimes before I let them out. In this situation, that was the case.

Since my visit to my other home (Colombia) things have been very different for me. I now have family...blood family...like HELLO! Where did that come from? I was looking left and it hit me from the right. It's good though. In an odd way I have to relearn family dynamics. I'm not really sure how to go about doing that, however I have the feeling that my new found family is going to show me real quick! I am more than open to having them in my life. I'm curious and also a bit apprehensive about the way things work when I'm not in foster care, living with people who abuse me.

...I was about to say "Why is it so scary to lose yourself and then become a whole person again?" I had second thoughts on that statement. I'm not sure I ever really was whole to begin with. A long time ago when I still had my parents...that's whole. The time I was in foster care...not so much. In the time between getting my GED and living with Jess, right up until June 5 2006...that was pretty close to being whole. Right now I can say that I am begining to feel like a whole person again. Not some variable where I'm sortof whole, but not really....the real deal. Genuine. It has left an empty place inside of me, losing Jess, but I think that someday I will be okay with the fact that she's gone. I will never stop loving her or missing her. But one day I will be whole again. I am starting to come to terms with it. I kindof sit there with a stern look on my face, not saying anything, listening to all these signs and messages from God, like I'm trying to let him talk me into being okay with the fact that she is my angel now. I'm not against having an angel watching over me, but come on...did it really have to be HER!? In my opinion it wasn't her time to die, but I am a mere mortal. It taught me, probably what I consider to be one of the biggest lessons I have ever learned in my life! No matter what happens to you, you have to just keep on living, and looking for that "thing". That something, whatever it may be. I am sick and tired to death of living day to day just trying to stay alive. I know that surviving is important, OBVIOUSLY! But now I know that LIVING, not just surviving is what will save my spirit. God will take care of my soul. But I am the keeper of my spirit.

I feel it in the air, there is a transition happening over here in Granville, NY! I can't believe I am about to write this... It feels so awkward. I am becoming more than just a survivor, I am becoming a fighter! I do fight for Jess, after all. That is something I have to live up to. I can't just wear the t-shirt. HA! Literally. All of my art work, I believe that Jess is my muse, she is the one who is sending me the inspiration to paint and draw all of this stuff. You've seen it. I have no fucking clue where some of it comes from. Since I started playing my Abuelo's guitar I have written a few songs too. Between expressing my inner being, and working out, and being a nurse(double time)...I don't have time for much else these days. I am a busy woman. And I like it. Call me a workaholic if you will, it's a title I will proudly wear! You all know me, and how I feel about labels and titles...enough said. I will be in Washington soon, for three weeks, I will consider that a bit of a vacation for me. I love the West Coast. Whose bright idea was it to live on the East? Ohh....that would be me... :-P ! Hey, can't help it! NYC has the best vibe, it's like it's own country with all the energy it holds! I love it! Someone I know, Blair....ahh hem...is going to tell me that I need to remember to take time to heal, and time for myself. I know hon, I will! Luv ya!

What else, what else....my mind is buzzing and my keyboard was getting dusty. I know I have more to say. K I was wrong, I ran out of things to write about, but it could have something to do with the fact that I am fucking TIRED! Sleep is good, so I'm gonna go get me some.

Love Ya!

Fundacion Pies Descalzos

Hey everybody! I bought this shirt at the Hard Rock Cafe when I was in Niagra Falls in March. You should get one to support the Fundacion Pies Descalzos (The Bare Feet Foundation)! They also make a pin of the design on the front of the t-shirt. The foundation is to benefit children in Colombia who have been devastated by what's going on there. Here are two links:

hardrock.com/estore
(look in the ladies tee section for "Shakira Signature Series Tee")

fundacionpiesdescalzos.com/english
(this website tells you all about the foundation)

Luv Ya!

Yea...more art...I know! Patience...

I will put up some posts with words instead of art soon. I am quietly collecting my thoughts. I'm sure you all are getting sick of just seeing pictures of my art...LOL! Love ya!

Who Knows Where It All Comes From

I can't figure out where all this inspiration is coming from. I guess not allowing myself to be artistic for almost a year really did some good for my art. I hope you like it!

The Life I Live Today

I had a conversation with someone on Friday that really made me think about what it's like to still be alive. We were just catching up, and the subject came to the time I spent lost in the foster care system...she said "Wow what an amazing life you've had'. I was like who me? No. It just never seems any different from everyone else's life until I really think about it. Even then, there are people who have survived and had a worse life than I have. It's not really about that though. It's not about whose was worse or who survived more. It's about surviving it, healing from it, and LIVING. I don't judge my life based upon the bad things I've survived, I judge it by the good things I have done and experienced. I have had so many amazing things happen and so many good people in my life! My parents came to NYC from Colombia before I was born, they gave me a great life while they could. They were killed in a car accident when I was two. I spent 14 years (age 2-16) in foster care. I ran away when I was 16, and started my own life. I lived in a run down place with my friend and her parents, I worked in a strip club using a fake ID, and I dropped out of high school. That didn't last long though. I got my GED, became a Nursing Assistant and starting taking classes to become and LPN when I was 18. It took me until I was 23 but I did it, I became an RN! That is the best thing that ever happened to me. Foster care was horrible. I was beaten and molested. The other kids were horrible as well! It was good to get out. I met Jess in the middle of all that, she was the love of my life! She supported me through my rape, I lost her sadly. Through everything, being a nurse has been my ticket out. It has gotten me where I am today. My friends and family are so awesome, there are no words to describe them. If that's what an amazing life is, I'm glad I have been given the life I live today!

More Art

Horses....

"I don't want to hear you tell yourself that these feelings are in the past, it doesn't mean they're off the shelf because pain is built to last. Everybody sails alone, but we can travel side by side." -KT Tunstall

Since I have started drawing again, I've had a small obsession with horses. Jess loved horses! I'm not sure why I feel the need to draw them, but everytime I sit down to sketch, that's the only thing my hand will let me shape. I have no inspiration to draw anything else lately. And considering that I have never even touched a horse, let alone ride one...I don't know... I've only seen a horse up close a handful of times, they are big, and it makes me nervous. So why do I have this fascination with them!?

Here are some of my recent sketches...

Love You All...

Lately I have been taking back so many aspects of my life. It feels good. It's like all of a sudden I just got the courage to stand up with a machete and fight for my life back. I'm not afraid to scream! I am not silenced anymore. I'm not staying down, I've been down long enough! Everything that I was so afraid to do, I am finding I have the strength to accomplish. I'm not really sure how trauma creeps in and takes over but it does! The way I have been living the past year, is not like me at all. I can't imagine what it must be like to have watched my life from the outside for the past year. It doesn't matter though. All that matters now, is that I am back. I am different. I have been changed, but I am back!
LOVE YOU ALL who have been there for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Survivor Art

I don't know what the hell got into me today! Whatever is was...I feel a lot better! I'm so glad I let myself be artistic again!

Home In The States

So I arrived safely home yesterday evening. I am so relieved to be back. I have to say that going to Colombia was one of the most influential experiences of my life! I was completely out of my element, and I think that is exactly what I needed to face myself. Since I was raped last June I have been trying to hide from the person I really am. I got rid of my guitar, stopped painting and drawing, stopped writing, stopped many of the things that used to define part of who I am. I closed myself off emotionally to the world. I sort of retreated into the trauma of what happened. I hated myself, blamed myself, and was much to harsh on myself. Last June I transformed into someone completely different than I had been for most of my life. I let the rape take away my identity. I honestly can't say how long it has been since I have been slowly becoming ME again. The lines between these changes in life are sometimes blurred because they happen gradually, but sometimes you can pinpoint a significant moment when things shift and you begin to become whole again. My stay in Colombia, the whole thing, is one of those significant moments. I really took a long hard look at my life, myself, and everything around me. For the first time in my life I found things that I had been missing. I found my family, my country, and most importantly I found myself. I could literally feel myself becoming whole again. It felt like not so many parts of me were missing. It was almost like I had been splattered with a mulitutde of colored paints. Each color covered up me, the original canvas, all of the bad things that have happened to me were hiding me. While I was in Colombia it was like all those colors were being stripped away finally, and the real person I am could be seen. I have never felt this whole in my life. Finally I know where I belong.

I cannot show what has been done to me. I cannot show how I have been recreated.

Everything is different now. In a good way. My comprehension and appreciation for the curves life throws at you is more complete. I am getting ME back. I am getting my life back. I am beyond letting anyone have control over that again. No one will take away my identity. What I have found in the past week and a half is deeper than what can be touched by another person. My understanding and enlightenment go soul deep.

My Art...

This is a really hard thing for me to do, expose my art. I've done these three pieces in the past month or so. Art is such an outlet. I hope that making myself this vulnerable does not prove disastrous!

Finding Me

Last night was a really long night! Some intense things were happening around me, and it led me to have flashbacks. I had a flashback about when I was kidnapped, when the man was raping me on a table. I get scared when it's dark because at one point he turned off the lights and he was in the room but I couldn't see him. He also left me alone in the dark tied up for hours, I didn't know if I would live or die. I am fearless during the day, but as soon as it gets dark I become a totally different person. It's the most terrifying feeling to be alone when it's dark. That was the most horrible experience of my entire life! I got through that flashback with the help of a friend, and I needed to rest, not sleep but rest. I stayed in that half awake state for a few hours. I got up to brush my teeth and get ready to try and sleep, and I had another flashback. This time it was about my foster mother. She would force me to drink alcohol and then molest me. In this paticular flashback she was raping me with the neck of an empty alcohol bottle. I remember I was laying on her bed naked, the door was closed, and there was only one table lamp on. She was drunk, wearing a bathrobe. She would brush my hair and tell me I was pretty but after a while she would take off my clothes and rub lotion on me. She would become increasingly perverse. All the while encouraging/forcing me to drink alcohol. She would never beat me and molest me in the same night. It fucked my mind more than I can put into words. She would be tender and care for me and groom me, and then she would beat me or molest me. I couldn't figure out how to feel. I loved her when she was kind, and I hated her when she was abusive! The longer it went on, the less I loved her.

My night pretty much sucked! That's safe to say. Today was ultimately better though. Since I have come to Colombia I have been having a really hard time figuring out where I belong. What my place is. Where my true home is. It has always been a consistant feeling for me to not know where I belong. I have always tried to find my place. Not having my parents and not living in the country my blood comes from really threw me off. I didn't know until recently who my biological family was. My wife found my family for me, my grandparents in Colombia. I came here because my grandfather was dying, and now I have to go back to the US, where I live and step back into my life that I have built there. I have to leave my grandmother alone, and that has been a really really hard decision for me to come to. I want for her to come back to the US with me but she will not, and I cannot live here. I know that it will be best for both of us to live in the country we grew up in. I know that I am Colombian deep down, and that I am an American otherwise. I have lived in NY for all of my 24 years there is no erasing that. When I first came to Colombia I was overwhelmed with everything that I had missed out on knowing. I quickly came to feel that this place really is my home. I was torn though because I also conisder NY my home. These confilcting feelings angered me and I ended up feeling the same as before, not knowing where my home is. I just want a place I can call home. Now I know that I am fortunate, I have two places to call home. I can come here to Colombia and call it home, I can come here and have my family, I can come here and belong. Not only that I can be in NY and call it home, and have a family in all of the friends who love me, and I can belong. My grandmother sent my parents, her son and daughter in law, to America so that they would have a better life, a safer life. She knew that I had been in foster care because after my parents died she tried to find me but couldn't. That was about all she knew about my life. When she told me why she sent them to America for a better life I lied to her and told her that I had had a safe and happy life all along. Someone helped me see the error in that, and I had a long conversation with her about everything. I told her that it meant the world to me that she was so strong and that she sacrificed herself for my parents and I to have a better life. I told her about what happened to me in foster care and that I was raped, but I did not give her all the details. I also told her about all of the wonderful things that have happened throughout my life, and about all the wonderful people who love me in America. She gave me a come to Jesus speech about lying to her, but in the end she understood. She was sad that I had been hurt, but she was happy that she now knows me and that I know her. She told me some amazing things about herself. You were right when you said I came from strong women (you know who you are). We both had to push our pride and private nature aside, so that we could take the chance and be vulnerable and get to know each other. I have to let her in, as does she. We have to let ourselves be loved by eachother as well. Today I really figured out where I belong, where my home is, and who I really brutally honestly am.

It was really hard for me to find myself and to realize just how lost I became. No matter how hard it was, I am so glad I searched and found it! It was worth it all!

The Hat

This is my Abuela and our translator Rebecca. My Abuela thought it would be cute for Rebecca to wear the joker hat that my Abuelo used to wear on what we call Halloween. This was the day before my Abuelo died. I love this picture because my Abuela is smiling! She laughed that day too! That hat is my best friend now, it's best atribute is that it makes people laugh!

Coming Home

It's all over. There is nothing left to do but help my Abuela pick up the pieces. She is devastated. Last night she told me about how she met my Abuelo. They were 15 and 16 years old. My Abuelo tried for so long to get her attention. Finally one day he walked up and handed her a fist full of flowers, she says that she was embarassed but she took them because they smelled nice. I'm not sure how long he waited, but I know that he went and asked for permission to marry my Abuela. Her father said yes, they had a big family wedding and have been happy together since then. They were married for 61 years! That is a long time, I only wish that everyone could be so lucky to find the one person they love and be happy for the rest of their lives. My Abuela is now 76 years old, she still has life left to live. Her and I find ourselves in the same exact position...how fucking weird is that!!?? Both of us must learn to live our lives missing the one we loved! I never even thought about that until last night. That just goes to show you that God knows what he's doing. If I can help her, and she can help me, things won't be so hopeless. We are family and this is what families do for each other... Man do I have a lot to learn!

My Abuela says that there is no way she will come back to the states with me. I have asked her to let me stay here with her, and she refused. She says that she wants me to go back home and not let this hold me back from anything. I neglected to tell her that I feel more at home here than I do back in NY. She is proud and does not want me to carry any kind of burdon. But this to me, is no obligation, it is something I feel in my soul. It comes so easily to me, to want to help her. I haven't even thought about what sacrifices I would have to make, because I don't consider them sacrifices if I am gaining familia!

I plan to be home in a few days. No more than 3. If my Abuela had it her way, I would be in Bogota getting on a plane today. It is too soon for me to leave though. I will stay for a few days and then I will let her be alone with her grief. That is what I wanted, so I can only think that's what she may want. After all, people are so complex that we do most of our grieving alone. It seems to be easier that way. No one to explain your crazy acts to, no one to feel bad about making them sit through this, and no one to witness those embarassing moments of complete breakdown. In between every stage I wanted someone to be around, but I didn't want them there all the time. I am going to turn into my Abuela's phone stalker. Every few days I will check on her. I am scared to lose her too.....

Hope all is well with you people back home...you know who you are. I'm thinking about you, praying for you, and yes I am even laughing because you told me I should (Blair!)!! See you all soon.

4 am

Part of my journey has ended. This morning, at 4 my Abuelo passed on to his next life. It was peaceful and calm. There was no interference or hysteria. The hospital called me at 3 and told me that they didn't think it would be much longer. I got dressed and went to be by his side. I counted his pulse as it slowed and I counted right up until there was no beat to count. My Abuela sat silently and let tears roll down her face. She smiled and said thank you God, then she opened the windows so that my Abuelo's spirit could leave. In my life I have never been that stricken with such crippling emotions. I didn't know if I would be able to stay standing, I thought I would faint. The white curtains on the windows blew into the room with the breeze, and I was sure I could tell the exact moment when his spirit was no longer lingering in the room.

The after death services will be tomorrow. After that I have no idea what will happen. I want my Abuela to come to the states and live with me, but I'm not sure she will. I don't think I can stay here to live. This country is so different, and not in very many good ways. Whatever happens, it will be what is meant to be.




I took this picture so I remember 15 years from now, what I looked like...the moment my life changed.

Photos

I didn't realize that the nurse took this picture, but I like it.





The chairs my Abuela and I have been sitting in...

The Process

I went home last night to my Abuela's house and slept in a bed she calls mine. I couldn't convince her to come with me. She has hardly slept at all. I did get her to eat a little bit of soup, but I am concerned about her health. If she doesn't take care of herself, then she won't be able to take care of my Abuelo. When I came back to the hosptial room at 6 this morning she was still sitting there in her rocker holding his hand. My Abuelo does not look good today. He is no longer conscious. I am trying so hard not to see what I have been taught to look for. His vital signs and his skin tones, his breathing and his involuntary movements. At first I tried not to feel anything, it can be very devastating to become attached to every stranger you meet who is dying. Then I realized that he is my family, it is okay for me to feel and to grieve for him. This is what families do. He is a fighter, but his is a quiet and reserved strength. I'm not sure what he is waiting for, but death can not be rushed, it is a process like everything else in life. As a nurse I know that it will not be much longer. As a granddaughter I wish for more time. I wish I had been able to really know him for who he is and who he once was.

Once again the hospital is as quiet as in all reality, it should be. There is music playing outside on the street. A group of guitaristas. No words, just music. A woman came to speak to my Abuela and I about funeral arrangements. I had to speak with her because my Abuela would not. This is a new concept to me. The funeral that is planned out is different than what we do in the states. I told her I wanted it to be respectful and suitable to honor his life. Other than that I don't know what to say or do.

I sat next to my Abuela for a while this morning. She kept holding his hand, not speaking, hardly breathing. I wanted to comfort her in some way but no words seemed right. I held out my hand to reach for hers, and she took it. The three of us sat in complete silence holding each other's hands, and we were consoled. I cried for the first time as did my Abuela, but she is still a rock. She didn't get hysterical, she just let her tears fall. Everything is and has been very peacful. I pray that it stays that way. The guerrillas groups have no right to ruin these moments for us, for me and my family.

My Heart

Do you follow me? Down dark twisting tunnels? Around sharp illusive turns? Through thick mysterious forest? Up higher and higher through dark sparkling sky? Crashing diving into deep dangerous ocean? Tunneling into cold dead soil? Into the depths of the mind of someone real? More real than you've seen. Upside down, backwards, light speed then slow. Dear traveler if you've arrived, not turned back, gotten lost, or ran in fear...if truly brutally honestly you've arrived...sit a while and drink. Read from my life's library. Enter a world all my own. But please do be very careful. For this inner most room is the life force for the rest. It's rythm provides sustenance. Should you shatter this fragile floor or these delicate walls, there will be no place left for you. Your journey will have been wasted and instantly you will be returned to solitude. For this miles long, are ever changing, ever shifting. The path is never the same. You will not find your way back to this city called HEART. You get but one chance.

I wrote this for Jess. I can't remember when. I just wanted to show her that I was greatful for the effort she made in loving me and not breaking my heart. I wanted her to know that her love was welcome, and that she could stay. I also wanted her to know that I was vulnerable. Everytime I read it, it reminds me of her perfect love!

Love Yourself

You can never change your past, even the things you most hate to remember. Going on forever blaming yourself for things you have no control over, will only get you one place in life...self hate. Life is too short to hate people. No matter how vile or cruel you have to find it in yourself somewhere to forgive them. Forgive them for yourself, not for them. God created people to be powered by free will for a reason. Not everyone deserves the resting peace that comes after life on earth. The more you struggle, the more you will appreciate. The harder you work, the greater the rewards are in the end. I knew this woman, she died an early death because her body was ravaged by cancer. Her two children were the most important things in her life. She lived as a free spirit. Scared of herself she just kept running. In the last years of her life she realized her mistakes and forgave herself. Not only that, but she asked forgivness from the people she had hurt. She came to realize that she'd taken advantage of the life she had been given. The biggest thing I took away from learning about her life experiences is that life if way too fucking short. I am making a promise to myself that I will live my life to the fullest, the best I can! I don't want to miss any one single important moment! I won't spend my life living with regret. I want to help other people feel things the way I do, I want other people to see things that you usually look past. I love the way the grass tickles my fingertips, the way sand massages my toes, the way sun passes my skin and warms my blood, I love feeling breathless with awe, I love when it's so beautiful you almost cry, even more when you do cry. Letting people see all of those personal, vulnerable moments is such a rush. Actually letting someone experience it with you is even better! I want to do everything! Fly and swim and run and just be totally enveloped in those moments. I want to remember the smell of the summer wind, the smell of rain, the taste of the ocean, the feel of sand and grass. I don't understand why people think that everything is about money and material possesions. "The best things in life are free." No amount of money can buy you true happiness. Life just has to happen. The harder you try to push your life in the direction you think it should go, the more off track you get. Life cannot be forced. No matter if good things or bad things happen to you, they happen for a reason. You can't pick and choose these events. You have to learn to deal with it and overcome it and accept it. Let people help if that's what you need. I chose to keep things bottled up and that proved to be more destructive than anything. The less I can talk, the more I can write. The more miserable I am, the more creative I become. As the pain I hold grows, so does my need for a manipulative outlet. Art. Writing. Music. Talking to people is so important, no one can do it alone. And suicide is just so unthinkably stupid! I have days when I am unhappy and I hate myself. I'm working on that though. I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made, and I've started making an effort to treat myself well. It's all about love. Before you love anyone else, you have to love yourself first.

I Hate You

They say your past shapes you. If that's true, then I must be a bloody bruise. The biproduct of hatred's wrath, manifested into a man, and never ending homes of strangers, lacking nothing...but love. Is it really all that bad? I mean, I am standing here today. I can't show what has been done to me, how I've been recreated. He preys upon my nievety, at only my expense. Devestation, humiliation, because of this I can never show my face. Falling from the stars, floating aloft, crashing hard into the ground, waking up to no sound. I screamed for help, but no one came, no one heard me call their name. He didn't listen to my request, instead he carried on. He had me pinned to the floor, then my bravery was gone. Freeing my inner demons, taking my self-control, he silenced my screaming voice. Shock and disgust rushed through me inside! Pretend it didn't happen, it'll go away. A lie you tell yourself, to try and find a better place. I hate you, I truly fucking hate you. I hate your smile, smirks, and laughs. I hate your eyes, breath, and teeth. I hate your stare, punch, and violative junk. I hate everything about you. I really fucking hate you, but I know your day will come.

Loving You

Building bridges
Between your continent and my island
I am black and you are white
I am night and you are day
We are as different as we can be
But our love is stronger than I have ever seen
Out of something so innocent
Came something so forever lasting
As of this I'll never be the same
Loving you has brought me down a road so unturnable
Out love is stronger than I have ever seen

I wrote that for Jess, in her card for her last birthday.

Colombia

I'm sitting here in a run down, low budget hospital, watching my Abuela. She just sits, and holds his hand. She rarely speaks. She has not eaten a thing for 2 days. She's drinking a lot of coffee...to stay awake I think, because she sure hasn't slept. She only leaves his bedside to use the bathroom. I'm not sure what my place is here. I'm not even sure my Abuelo knows I'm here. He thinks I am my mother. I don't even remember my mother. How can I comfort him? This place is a whole other world. These people are alien to me. Except...they are my people. I am not a Colombian. I am an American. That is the only thing that has become apparent to me. It may be my blood, but it isn't my lifestyle, and that is important. You can't just say it, you have to live it. For lunch I had food I've never tasted, but it comforts me. It's called lechona, it's pork stuffed with rice, corn and peas. I'm not sure what makes it taste so good. But it tastes like I should have been eating it my whole life. Eventually I will get used to it here. I feel like I don't really belong, like I am an outsider, but somewhere in me I feel like I am home, so that makes me know that I must belong here. Even though I hardly know them, they treat me like family that has just been on a long vacation. I was welcomed into their home, into the hospital, and into the surrounding community. It's like I've lived here, they all know who I am, I just don't know them. It's like they were waiting for me to return. It's more beautiful than words can describe. The forest is drenched in rain, and the sun shines through. It's hot. It's quiet. This place is like sanctuary. A tiny little corner of the the world, hidden away in South America. Somewhere I can be...just be. It's understandable why my Abuela didn't want to leave. My Abuelo was born here, and he will die here. There is nothing more that can be done to help him. He just rests peacefully. When he is ready he will go. He will leave this world and move on to a place where he won't suffer anymore. Until that time, he is tended to by my Abuela, watching her I feel like I am witnessing the work of a saint. I feel honored. I've been told that I am bringing him comfort by being here. I think though......I am drawing more comfort from this than they are. I'm sure that sounds bad that I can draw comfort from watching my Abuelo die, but that's not it. It's comforting to see that my real family is loving and caring and strong. My foster families never came close to measuring up to these people. It's nice to see with my own eyes that my fairy tale really exists. I'm not sure what will happen when I come back home to New York. I will be different, I know that because I am already different. How could I have missed out on this part of my life!?

I'm sure I will write more tonight. I have nothing to do but sit here in this room, with these two people...my family. We don't talk much and my Abuela seems to like that I am keeping myself busy with writing. She started singing a little while ago and I actually fell asleep in this chair at the desk. When I woke up she was still sitting there in the rocker holding his hand and singing. It has helped that my Abuela is so strong, if she wasn't I believe we would both be an emotional wreck and that is not beneficial for my Abuelo. This blog has also helped. It has taken me all day to write this post, but it's accurate. It does these moments justice.

"Under The Tuscan Sun"

"Live spherically, and in many different directions. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It's such a surprise!"

I am counting on this quote to be right! When I heard this it gave me hope! That is something that I definitely needed right now. I love this movie. I also saw another movie called "Catch and Release", holy shit did that ever hit home! I think it's a good movie for someone who has lost a love to watch. It made me cry but it made me laugh too. Laugh, who thought I would ever do that again!?

Message In A Dream

Funny how peope walk in and out of our lives so often. Do you ever know who's permanent and who's not? Is anyone? It was on my mind a lot today. I was thinking about all of the people I've met in my life. The majority of which, are not a part of my life now. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about the fact that most people have walked out. The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. I started to think that there's something wrong with me...then I caught myself. Those negative thoughts sneak in so easily. The people who have, over the years stayed...are some of the best people I have ever known! I want that. I want to surround myself with good people. Real, genuine people! It doesn't matter if there are a million or just an handful. As long as they have something pure to offer. As long as I have something pure they need, I will give it! I love people. I have always been a people person. Meeting new people is a big part of my job. Everyday I go to work, I leaving knowing more names than when I came. In my mind there are givens...people who you just expect to stay, the ones you think will never leave. My givens are mostly gone.... Jess I thought would be with me until we were both old and wrinkled. My parents, they are supposed to raise you, be around your whole life, and mine died before I could even save a memory of them. Losing Jess and my parents was beyond my control. There is a reason for it though.

I had a dream last night, that I was still in highschool. My parents were there, Jess was there, all of my old friends, I had a huge family. The whole thing is kindof fuzzy, but I remember I was outside. I was running track for gym class and everyone in my circle, both friends and family, were all running with me. I was running with my eyes closed. When I opened them, everyone was gone. I tried to stop running to turn around and find them, but all I could do was turn my head. My body wouldn't stop running. They were gone and I was alone. I tried to yell for them and my voice was silent. The further around the track I got, the less I could remember the faces of all the people who were with me. When I finally got to the end of the dream, the person stopped running and it wasn't me anymore. It didn't look like me. I don't know who it was.

That dream is what triggered my thought pattern today. It's really strange...the message that I'm getting from it. I'm not really sure what to think.

Birthday

So today was my birthday. 24. For some reason today just wasn't a big deal to me. I had a really nice, relaxing, laid back, kinda day. I spent some time in a really beautiful park, writing and thinking. There were tons of kids there.... It's hard some days. I had an awesome dinner with some friends at a very authentic Mexican resturant. It was good! A taste of home almost. We went dancing too, but I didn't stay long. I wasn't in the mood to celebrate. I feel guilty celebrating when Jess isn't here. This is my first birthday without her in a really long time. I can't even imagine how I'm going to feel on her birthday, or the anniversary of her death. I will never be used to her being gone. At some point though, I will be able to live with it. Right now all I can do is force myself to keep on moving forward. If I don't it's letting her stupid fucking father win. Speaking of...my best birthday present....! Jess' sister sent me a package in the mail that I opened today. It was an album of pictures that she found when she was going through her father's things. It would have put him in jail for sure!!!! Where the fuck was this album when Jess and HIM were still alive!? When she was trying to get the police and the doctors to help her!? Where the fuck was it then!? GOD this makes me so mad! Happy birthday to me. Pictures of my wife being raped and beaten. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? How can the world be so unfair? I keep telling myself that there is a reason why Jess went through that hell and why I am going through this hell. Someday it will be something meaningful. Someday I will be a better person because of it. I know that I have to stay alive. For Jess. For me. And for the people who care about me. So here I am....fighting till I haven't got anything left in me to fight with.

Struggling

The past couple of days have been fucking crazy! I've been struggling, trying to deal with seeing people from NYC again. They want me to come back home, they don't really understand how hard that would be for me. Going back to the place where I was violently raped, to date it has been 1 year next month. I am just not ready to live there again. Someday maybe. But not today.

Recently the loss of my wife has been especially hard. I miss her everyday. I want her back everyday. She commited suicide in March. The hardest thing is that she's gone, but a close second is that there will be no justice. Everything that happened to her will just become another silent lost case. It makes me angry to watch inncoent kids come into the ER with STD's and injuries that can only come from sexual abuse. If one person had taken the time to listen to Jess when she was young, then maybe her father would have gone to jail sooner, maybe she would still be alive. If I can be the one person to listen to these kids and get them the help they need and deserve, maybe I can prevent them from making the mistake of taking their lives! That to me is the only way I can honor and justify Jess' death.

Anger is such a crippling emotion! Right now, for the past year, I have held a lot of anger! I feel it in me, I know that it's there. But for some reason I just cannot get myself to let it come out. I can't let myself feel the anger and get rid of it. I just keep it tucked away deep inside me, and that I know, is hurting me. I'm angry because of the rape, the loss of Jess, and just the fact that my whole life has been turned upside down and I have become a person competely unrecognizable to myself. I know that I have to change and evolve with the fast paces of a changing world, but I feel like a complete stranger. All I want is to know myself and to have some level of peace in my life. I want to be at peace and be okay with everything that has happened. I know that it's going to take me a long time to get there, but I think if I can get headed in the right direction that everything will be a little bit less uncomfortable.

More to come...