5 Speed

To me it's amazing that as you begin to heal, things in every aspect of your life change.

With my current situation, I all of a sudden find myself entirely focused and tuned into what I need and what my body is telling me. The human body is far more skilled at involuntary action that I ever realized. There are so many things that your body and your brain do to protect you, it's amazing. Your body knows better than your conscious self does sometimes, what is best for you. We have to stop being afraid to ask for what we need. It's important not to deny yourself. A lot of people tend to think of others before they think of themselves. I myself being one of those people. To be a caregiver is far easier than to ask for and let someone come that close and take care of you. It's a part of the pattern of keeping people at a safe distance. It's good to let people in. It helps more than you'd ever think. Though it may be difficult to cross that first threshold and allow someone in, it will be worth it in the end. You really will feel supported and understood. I only speak from my own experiences and those of the people close to me that I've seen this same thing happen to. To jeopardize such important things, by not asking for help or asking for the things you need, is foolish. And although you may see a situation in a specific way, often times you are too close to have an accurate perspective. If someone you trust can offer you insights and a new perspective that can change the situation and maybe even make things easier.

As these foreign instincts flood into my body I am starting to see what it's like when I live a happy, whole life. Everything happens for a reason. The timing is never wrong. Everything you need will come to you when the time is right. As I have been in need and trust that God will provide for me, things have appeared. I'm not talking about magic, I'm talking about manifestation. You can literally attract things to you with your thought patterns. I had to push my pride to the back burner and learn to ask for what I need and not feel guilty about it. Guilt will eat you alive, especially when it's unnecessary. If you are able to release that guilt and fill the empty space with compassion for yourself and your needs, you will be surprised to see how much differently you feel.

And as parting wisdom, not everyone can read all over your face, or see into your brain, to know what's going on. It's obvious to you when something is up because it's happening to you, other people don't always see you differently. They don't always know when something is wrong. Be careful when you make assumptions. I learned that lesson.

The Light

So I had a phone conversation with someone last night. She knows who she is :). It was very honest and it felt good! I feel like she understands so well.

Anyways, I just wanted to express some thoughts about the conversation.

A lot of things have changed for me in the past year and a half. I feel like I have come so far. It's a long road from losing my wife and my child to where I am now. I have done so much healing, yet there is still so much more to be done. I don't think you're ever entirely finished healing. It's one of those things you can get the majority of it done, but there are always ways to become a better, healthier, more whole person. For my circumstance the majority of the healing revolved around being able to just make through one day. I used to force myself out of bed, into the shower, and to sit down and eat. I was crying all the time, getting sick, my blood sugar was going crazy, and I had chronic headaches. If anyone has ever told you that some of the side effects of trauma are health problems...BELIEVE them! So in the conversation I was having last night I was telling her how much easier things are for me. Now most days I wake up, spend my day, and go to bed happy. Of course I have an occasional bad day, but who doesn't. The point is...I made progress. I have deeper roots in my faith than I have ever had in my life. I'm happy and healthy, and I'm starting my life on a new page. I am so greatful and so blessed by all of the amazing people I have in my life. I don't know how I came across most of these people, but God doesn't do anything by accident. I honestly feel like my life is so much better. I am truly uplifted by God, by the people I love, by the people I don't know who pray for me so often, and by the little things that come into my life every single day that make me smile. :)

So I wanted to share my testimony with everyone on here. Life gets better, it really and truly does. If you just persue what you need and what you want, good things will come to you. My life is good, and it took me a long time to get here. Yea it was a stuggle and a fight for a long time there, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! I swear. It's there, I'm living proof and there are so many others. Trust in yourself. Think of yourself often, do not put your needs in the terms of healing on the back burner. Healing is paramount! Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Bit Angry

So I've made it to Washington safely. YAY! My car however, is in rough shape! It may be headed to the junkyard on Tuesday. We'll see.

So I have one thing to say...I am sick and tired of the injustice that occurs in this world every single day in such a careless manner that you'd think it were the same as breathing! People just don't give a fuck about other people anymore. In the general population we need to be more aware and more sensitive. GEEZ. Do I sound angry? That's because I am! GRR! People just stop and think before you do anything, okay!