Monday, January 14, 2008

Hair Cut! Ooooh

I decided to cut my hair, and now I love it! I did it myself. :) It was awesome!
And by the way, this is the shortest I've ever had my hair in my whole life!

Friday, December 21, 2007

J.L.R. <3


This is the woman who was the love of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me, the only one who ever held my heart. As hard as it is for me to finally post this image, it's blissful at the same time. It's been 9 months since she passed. I have nothing but gratitude for everything she was and everything she did and everything she opened up to me.

Love of my life, light of my mind, fire in my belly, air in my lungs, inspiration in my sorrow....Jess may you finally rest in peace and be released from all the abuse you endured. Thank you for sharing your life with me, for opening me up to become the person we both know I can. 143 forever and always.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Central Park

I understand why people would ask this woman these questions...because they are uneducated when it comes to rape. Sure maybe it wasn't the safest thing to run in Central Park at night, BUT it wasn't stupid. People, men and women, have every right to be where they want when they want and not expect consequences like being raped. What if she had been raped in the middle of the afternoon in the park? Not like that's never happened before. Central Park can be as safe or dangerous as any other place in the world. Fact is people have been attacked in broad daylight there. What would you say to her then... Were you wearing provocative clothing? I mean seriously, come on people. No one asks to be raped. No one! It's not her fault that she was raped, no matter what she was doing or when or where. Plain and simple, end of story.

Read the article and form your own opinion.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

5 Speed

To me it's amazing that as you begin to heal, things in every aspect of your life change.

With my current situation, I all of a sudden find myself entirely focused and tuned into what I need and what my body is telling me. The human body is far more skilled at involuntary action that I ever realized. There are so many things that your body and your brain do to protect you, it's amazing. Your body knows better than your conscious self does sometimes, what is best for you. We have to stop being afraid to ask for what we need. It's important not to deny yourself. A lot of people tend to think of others before they think of themselves. I myself being one of those people. To be a caregiver is far easier than to ask for and let someone come that close and take care of you. It's a part of the pattern of keeping people at a safe distance. It's good to let people in. It helps more than you'd ever think. Though it may be difficult to cross that first threshold and allow someone in, it will be worth it in the end. You really will feel supported and understood. I only speak from my own experiences and those of the people close to me that I've seen this same thing happen to. To jeopardize such important things, by not asking for help or asking for the things you need, is foolish. And although you may see a situation in a specific way, often times you are too close to have an accurate perspective. If someone you trust can offer you insights and a new perspective that can change the situation and maybe even make things easier.

As these foreign instincts flood into my body I am starting to see what it's like when I live a happy, whole life. Everything happens for a reason. The timing is never wrong. Everything you need will come to you when the time is right. As I have been in need and trust that God will provide for me, things have appeared. I'm not talking about magic, I'm talking about manifestation. You can literally attract things to you with your thought patterns. I had to push my pride to the back burner and learn to ask for what I need and not feel guilty about it. Guilt will eat you alive, especially when it's unnecessary. If you are able to release that guilt and fill the empty space with compassion for yourself and your needs, you will be surprised to see how much differently you feel.

And as parting wisdom, not everyone can read all over your face, or see into your brain, to know what's going on. It's obvious to you when something is up because it's happening to you, other people don't always see you differently. They don't always know when something is wrong. Be careful when you make assumptions. I learned that lesson.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Light

So I had a phone conversation with someone last night. She knows who she is :). It was very honest and it felt good! I feel like she understands so well.

Anyways, I just wanted to express some thoughts about the conversation.

A lot of things have changed for me in the past year and a half. I feel like I have come so far. It's a long road from losing my wife and my child to where I am now. I have done so much healing, yet there is still so much more to be done. I don't think you're ever entirely finished healing. It's one of those things you can get the majority of it done, but there are always ways to become a better, healthier, more whole person. For my circumstance the majority of the healing revolved around being able to just make through one day. I used to force myself out of bed, into the shower, and to sit down and eat. I was crying all the time, getting sick, my blood sugar was going crazy, and I had chronic headaches. If anyone has ever told you that some of the side effects of trauma are health problems...BELIEVE them! So in the conversation I was having last night I was telling her how much easier things are for me. Now most days I wake up, spend my day, and go to bed happy. Of course I have an occasional bad day, but who doesn't. The point is...I made progress. I have deeper roots in my faith than I have ever had in my life. I'm happy and healthy, and I'm starting my life on a new page. I am so greatful and so blessed by all of the amazing people I have in my life. I don't know how I came across most of these people, but God doesn't do anything by accident. I honestly feel like my life is so much better. I am truly uplifted by God, by the people I love, by the people I don't know who pray for me so often, and by the little things that come into my life every single day that make me smile. :)

So I wanted to share my testimony with everyone on here. Life gets better, it really and truly does. If you just persue what you need and what you want, good things will come to you. My life is good, and it took me a long time to get here. Yea it was a stuggle and a fight for a long time there, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! I swear. It's there, I'm living proof and there are so many others. Trust in yourself. Think of yourself often, do not put your needs in the terms of healing on the back burner. Healing is paramount! Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Bit Angry

So I've made it to Washington safely. YAY! My car however, is in rough shape! It may be headed to the junkyard on Tuesday. We'll see.

So I have one thing to say...I am sick and tired of the injustice that occurs in this world every single day in such a careless manner that you'd think it were the same as breathing! People just don't give a fuck about other people anymore. In the general population we need to be more aware and more sensitive. GEEZ. Do I sound angry? That's because I am! GRR! People just stop and think before you do anything, okay!

Monday, October 15, 2007


I'm back in the United States. I'm not sure yet where I am going. All I know is that I need to hurry up and buckle down. I cannot find myself about to have a baby with no job and no money saved. That's just not an option for me. I refuse to be a bad parent, I refuse to let me child experience any kind of abuse or foster care system. That's all just too fucked up. This human being is going to be entirely dependent upon me and I intend to do a damn good job. I may have lost everything else, but I will not, WILL NOT, lose my child if I can help it! It's the one chance I have to do something really good in this world. It's true that kids change your life. I'm not looking for that though. I've done enough life changing on my own. I'm ready to be the positive influence in someone else's life! I'm ready to be the one who looks at that child and knows that it's everything. I have more than enough love to give and knowledge to share. It's really important to me that I be able to give my child what was taken away from me. I want him/her to always know that they are loved, and not feel like they are unloveable. I want him/her to always have a solid sense of where they belong, and not to have to wonder where they fit in or where they came from or where they can go. I don't want there to be holes in this child's life. If there will only ever be one thing I fully succeed at, then I pray to God, down on my knees begging, that this be it!