Jail

Today was the retrial. I went to testify for the second time against the woman who sexually abused me from the ages of 7-9. She has been a foster mother for over 20 years, that's a lot of time to abuse children. It was a long process that all started with a letter. At the suggestion of Angela, I wrote a letter and delivered it to the department of childrens services and the police station. At first my letter was ignored, but once I showed up again to question their reasoning, the started a formal investigation. She was found to have been abusing two other girls that were in her custody as wards of the state. It went to trial and I testified as a character witness, since the statute had run out on my abuse, as I am now 24 years old. The end result of that trial was a hung jury. The judge decided after 48 hours that there would be a retrial...today. It has been one of the longest processes I've had to go through in my life. It really messed with my mind at first. I threw up, cried, and was almost unable to testify because I was so crazed with emotions. The second time I went in I threw up and cried a little, but I was much more in control. I knew that I was safe. The jury went out and practically came right back in with a guilty verdict. She was charged with 2 counts of sexual abuse in the 1st degree and 2 counts of child endangerment. She's going to jail for 20 years. That's a long fucking time. 20 years of prison for the 20 years of abuse she enflicted. Today I learned what justice is. Now I have total freedom. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. It was so well worth the struggle on my part because now, she can't hurt anymore little girls. I used my voice. It so possible for ANYONE to do the same thing. I never thought I would see her go to jail, but today I did. Now I can start my whole life over and gain back what I lost and more! I have absolutely no regrets!

B.L. (NY)

Coming Back Home

I will be on my way home soon. The retrial is August 27th, so I will be home somewhere around then. I promise to make some phone calls to some important people once I get my cell phone back. I'm pretty excited about coming back, although a little sad to be leaving my family. I've started to fit in here. It would be so easy to just stay, but here it would be so much more difficult to get back everything I used to have. In the US it's easier, more opportunities. I'm planning a move, you all know that. I think that will be the best thing for me. What used to be my life is no longer, I think starting over deserves a new location. What better time to relocate than when I have no strings to tie me down.

Since I've been here and I haven't been working I've had a lot of time to sit and write, to think, and to come to terms with everything. It's been a long road this past year and a half. Sometimes I can't believe just how long, I remember when it was good. Other times it seems like so long ago, I just turn away from it and look towards my future. I do have one. A future. That is one thing I have decided. I have a future, one that no one in the world will take away from me.

It has been 5 months now that Jess has been gone. That's almost half a year. I've been through the denial, the sadness, the anger, bargaining, I think now....I'm finally starting to accept it. I get that there is nothing I could have done to stop her. It was her choice to do something as stupid as she did. It hurts me still that she was so selfish, but for whatever reason, it was meant to happen. I'm sure I will still have days when I'm sad or angry. But Jess has moved on from the earth I live on. I know she's watching me. I know she loves me. I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I know she herself was hurting far too much to think of anyone else's pain. I feel a great amount of pain, knowing how much she hurt, knowing I couldn't take it away. I know that someone I loved more than anyone else in the world was in so much pain that not a single person could have stopped her. That hurts. I hate her father for the pain he enflicted on her and for the coward he became once she was dead! But to carry all of that anger and hurt around inside me is more damaging than it is for me to forgive a dead man.

As long as I've been here, I haven't had any flashbacks or nightmares. I've slept a sound 8 hours. For the first time in so long I can't remember, I am able to sleep. Knowing that my family is here to watch over me and keep me safe, knowing that no one here will hurt me, it's a relief. Not having to look over my shoulder and wonder if I will be safe, it feels good.

I've lost my city, my house, my child, my wife, my job, a part of me that I used to love, but still....there's something left. There is a part of me so raw and strong and beautiful I never knew existed. It doesn't come from what I've learned or how I grew up, it comes from something so much deeper than that. It comes from what women before me gave to me. I can't explain how I see myself now, because I can't entirely remember what it felt like to be me before all the shit. I'm different. I'm scarred, marked, bruised, whatever, but scars fade and bruises heal. When I reach the other end of the spectrum who knows what I will become. All I know is that whatever I look like then, I will be stronger and more able to help other people because of it. I survived.

I hope this finds you all well. I am sorry I haven't been in contact much. I hope that this will help to assure you all of my safety and well being. I love you. I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you. You are just as much my family as the people I'm staying with. Big hugs. See you and talk to you all very soon.

Trust

The place I'm in right now has been very comforting to me. It's eye opening. I love it, and I think after the retrial is over I may stay here for a few months. There are a lot of things I need to learn. I know that I am safe here, so I have been able to let go and feel. I'm not working, so I have a lot of time to myself. My realization has come and gone. I've lost everything. My home, my wife, my child, my job. Everything I've worked for is gone. I have to start over. I've hit rock fucking bottom, and I can only go up from here. When the last straw came, I lost my job, I was in total disbelief of what had just happened. Little by little my entire world just fell right out from underneath me, leaving me nothing to stand on. I'm forced to climb. This is a great opportunity for me to grow. This is a perfect opportunity for me to heal. If I take a few months off from everything and focus on healing, I think I will be at a great advantage when I move to my new home. I've already decided that I will call it home. It will be home. Once I'm there I won't leave unless I want to. I won't let trauma and people force me out. For a moment that's what ruled my life and took over. The moment I stepped foot in that hospital and filed that police report, and then got myself the hell outta dodge, that's when I took control of my life back. When I kick that lady's ass in retrial, I will be taking my control back. When I go home (to my new home) I will be taking my control back. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am stubborn and persistant and independent. I'm latina, what did you really expect? Lol! I can't be kicked onto my ass and stay there. I fucking refuse. It has been a real challenge to find the strength in me to do all of this. I'm still not sure I've found it, but I have people who are letting me borrow theirs. People are praying for me, uplifting me, giving me gifts of love and strength. I only hope that oneday I can repay them. I only hope that my fight makes some small difference. I hope it's worth it. I keep telling a friend to trust her gut, I guess it's time I eat my own advice and trust my gut. Trust that I deserve...

I love you! Hug!