Trust

The place I'm in right now has been very comforting to me. It's eye opening. I love it, and I think after the retrial is over I may stay here for a few months. There are a lot of things I need to learn. I know that I am safe here, so I have been able to let go and feel. I'm not working, so I have a lot of time to myself. My realization has come and gone. I've lost everything. My home, my wife, my child, my job. Everything I've worked for is gone. I have to start over. I've hit rock fucking bottom, and I can only go up from here. When the last straw came, I lost my job, I was in total disbelief of what had just happened. Little by little my entire world just fell right out from underneath me, leaving me nothing to stand on. I'm forced to climb. This is a great opportunity for me to grow. This is a perfect opportunity for me to heal. If I take a few months off from everything and focus on healing, I think I will be at a great advantage when I move to my new home. I've already decided that I will call it home. It will be home. Once I'm there I won't leave unless I want to. I won't let trauma and people force me out. For a moment that's what ruled my life and took over. The moment I stepped foot in that hospital and filed that police report, and then got myself the hell outta dodge, that's when I took control of my life back. When I kick that lady's ass in retrial, I will be taking my control back. When I go home (to my new home) I will be taking my control back. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am stubborn and persistant and independent. I'm latina, what did you really expect? Lol! I can't be kicked onto my ass and stay there. I fucking refuse. It has been a real challenge to find the strength in me to do all of this. I'm still not sure I've found it, but I have people who are letting me borrow theirs. People are praying for me, uplifting me, giving me gifts of love and strength. I only hope that oneday I can repay them. I only hope that my fight makes some small difference. I hope it's worth it. I keep telling a friend to trust her gut, I guess it's time I eat my own advice and trust my gut. Trust that I deserve...

I love you! Hug!