Grief

Grieving is not an easy process. I knew it would be more painful than I could ever try to imagine to lose someone I loved, but I just wasn't ready for this. I don't think anyone ever is. I keep stumbling upon all these new "steps" in the process. A friend told me that currently I am going through the stage where I am sad for MY PERSONAL loss. Whereas before, I was trying to console everyone else who lost Jess. I guess that was my coping mechanism. To focus my attention on helping other people deal with it. Suicide is fucking scary shit! I was offering everyone the tissues, while I remained dry eyed, with anger! I cried when I first found out, uncontrollably, but after that I was angry. I am still angry. Now though, I feel more sadness. It kills me to think that she is gone. It's hard to sleep, eat, shower, walk, breathe, and even speak some days. I know that all the anger I'm hanging onto isn't healthy, but someday soon I will release it. I've been talking to some great people. I've gathered a lot of information, now I just need to put my knowledge into action.

On a happier note, my Abuela came to visit me! YAY! I'm so proud of her for flying here. She's so brave. Especially at a time like now, while she is mourning my Abuelo's death. She doesn't talk as much here as she did when we were in Colombia, but she has asked to see a lot of things I never would have thought to show her. She keeps my on my toes with my Spanish, let me tell ya!! Not to mention my hair...
I lover her though. She is practically all the family I have in the world. Not too long ago I didn't think I had any real family at all. Now look. I'm the spitting image of my Abuela and my Tia! (Grandmother-Abuela...Aunt-Tia) for those of you who are Spanish challenged.
It's a little but scary for me to let her in. I think she is starting to understand more than I would like, what my life was like for the first 16 years. I wanted to shelter her from all of the horrible things, that make the "America is Perfect" idea a false promise. In a way it's good, but for her it's heartbreaking as well. The last thing I want to do is break her heart more than it already is. I will never know or understand how she has survived her life. She is my one true hero.

And there I end it,
but with a picture from my trip to Washington!