Quietly Collected Thoughts

I have been thinking about a lot of things. Sometimes it's just not the time to put your thoughts out there yet though....know what I mean? I like to just let things sit in my brain and roll around for a few days sometimes before I let them out. In this situation, that was the case.

Since my visit to my other home (Colombia) things have been very different for me. I now have family...blood family...like HELLO! Where did that come from? I was looking left and it hit me from the right. It's good though. In an odd way I have to relearn family dynamics. I'm not really sure how to go about doing that, however I have the feeling that my new found family is going to show me real quick! I am more than open to having them in my life. I'm curious and also a bit apprehensive about the way things work when I'm not in foster care, living with people who abuse me.

...I was about to say "Why is it so scary to lose yourself and then become a whole person again?" I had second thoughts on that statement. I'm not sure I ever really was whole to begin with. A long time ago when I still had my parents...that's whole. The time I was in foster care...not so much. In the time between getting my GED and living with Jess, right up until June 5 2006...that was pretty close to being whole. Right now I can say that I am begining to feel like a whole person again. Not some variable where I'm sortof whole, but not really....the real deal. Genuine. It has left an empty place inside of me, losing Jess, but I think that someday I will be okay with the fact that she's gone. I will never stop loving her or missing her. But one day I will be whole again. I am starting to come to terms with it. I kindof sit there with a stern look on my face, not saying anything, listening to all these signs and messages from God, like I'm trying to let him talk me into being okay with the fact that she is my angel now. I'm not against having an angel watching over me, but come on...did it really have to be HER!? In my opinion it wasn't her time to die, but I am a mere mortal. It taught me, probably what I consider to be one of the biggest lessons I have ever learned in my life! No matter what happens to you, you have to just keep on living, and looking for that "thing". That something, whatever it may be. I am sick and tired to death of living day to day just trying to stay alive. I know that surviving is important, OBVIOUSLY! But now I know that LIVING, not just surviving is what will save my spirit. God will take care of my soul. But I am the keeper of my spirit.

I feel it in the air, there is a transition happening over here in Granville, NY! I can't believe I am about to write this... It feels so awkward. I am becoming more than just a survivor, I am becoming a fighter! I do fight for Jess, after all. That is something I have to live up to. I can't just wear the t-shirt. HA! Literally. All of my art work, I believe that Jess is my muse, she is the one who is sending me the inspiration to paint and draw all of this stuff. You've seen it. I have no fucking clue where some of it comes from. Since I started playing my Abuelo's guitar I have written a few songs too. Between expressing my inner being, and working out, and being a nurse(double time)...I don't have time for much else these days. I am a busy woman. And I like it. Call me a workaholic if you will, it's a title I will proudly wear! You all know me, and how I feel about labels and titles...enough said. I will be in Washington soon, for three weeks, I will consider that a bit of a vacation for me. I love the West Coast. Whose bright idea was it to live on the East? Ohh....that would be me... :-P ! Hey, can't help it! NYC has the best vibe, it's like it's own country with all the energy it holds! I love it! Someone I know, Blair....ahh hem...is going to tell me that I need to remember to take time to heal, and time for myself. I know hon, I will! Luv ya!

What else, what else....my mind is buzzing and my keyboard was getting dusty. I know I have more to say. K I was wrong, I ran out of things to write about, but it could have something to do with the fact that I am fucking TIRED! Sleep is good, so I'm gonna go get me some.

Love Ya!