So I arrived safely home yesterday evening. I am so relieved to be back. I have to say that going to Colombia was one of the most influential experiences of my life! I was completely out of my element, and I think that is exactly what I needed to face myself. Since I was raped last June I have been trying to hide from the person I really am. I got rid of my guitar, stopped painting and drawing, stopped writing, stopped many of the things that used to define part of who I am. I closed myself off emotionally to the world. I sort of retreated into the trauma of what happened. I hated myself, blamed myself, and was much to harsh on myself. Last June I transformed into someone completely different than I had been for most of my life. I let the rape take away my identity. I honestly can't say how long it has been since I have been slowly becoming ME again. The lines between these changes in life are sometimes blurred because they happen gradually, but sometimes you can pinpoint a significant moment when things shift and you begin to become whole again. My stay in Colombia, the whole thing, is one of those significant moments. I really took a long hard look at my life, myself, and everything around me. For the first time in my life I found things that I had been missing. I found my family, my country, and most importantly I found myself. I could literally feel myself becoming whole again. It felt like not so many parts of me were missing. It was almost like I had been splattered with a mulitutde of colored paints. Each color covered up me, the original canvas, all of the bad things that have happened to me were hiding me. While I was in Colombia it was like all those colors were being stripped away finally, and the real person I am could be seen. I have never felt this whole in my life. Finally I know where I belong.
I cannot show what has been done to me. I cannot show how I have been recreated.
Everything is different now. In a good way. My comprehension and appreciation for the curves life throws at you is more complete. I am getting ME back. I am getting my life back. I am beyond letting anyone have control over that again. No one will take away my identity. What I have found in the past week and a half is deeper than what can be touched by another person. My understanding and enlightenment go soul deep.
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2 comments:
I am so happy for you :)
Hey Brit! I was reading my bible and thinking of you today. This scripture really made me think of you:
"Thus says the the Lord, the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker: Will you question me about my children, or command me concerning the work of my hands? I made the earth, and created humankind upon it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens, and I commanded all their host." Isaiah 45:11-12
I was thinking as I read this that nobody has the right to tell you to be anything other than who God made you to be. No one has the right to take the creative spark in you away, because that is your birthright as God's child. I believe this awakening, or reclaiming of the best and most creative parts of yourself is part of the healing work God is doing in you. When we become most who we are, we are in fact becoming more and more His, who He created us to be. All that wonderful stuff that is so creative is an outflow of God's healing love working in your life. It is so beautiful to behold! So continue to be courageous in giving yourself permission to truly be your creative and beautiful self; this is part of God's miracle in your life!
You're awesome!
Sami
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