Enough

I'm back in the United States. I'm not sure yet where I am going. All I know is that I need to hurry up and buckle down. I cannot find myself about to have a baby with no job and no money saved. That's just not an option for me. I refuse to be a bad parent, I refuse to let me child experience any kind of abuse or foster care system. That's all just too fucked up. This human being is going to be entirely dependent upon me and I intend to do a damn good job. I may have lost everything else, but I will not, WILL NOT, lose my child if I can help it! It's the one chance I have to do something really good in this world. It's true that kids change your life. I'm not looking for that though. I've done enough life changing on my own. I'm ready to be the positive influence in someone else's life! I'm ready to be the one who looks at that child and knows that it's everything. I have more than enough love to give and knowledge to share. It's really important to me that I be able to give my child what was taken away from me. I want him/her to always know that they are loved, and not feel like they are unloveable. I want him/her to always have a solid sense of where they belong, and not to have to wonder where they fit in or where they came from or where they can go. I don't want there to be holes in this child's life. If there will only ever be one thing I fully succeed at, then I pray to God, down on my knees begging, that this be it!

Es una muestra.

Es una muestra. La vida es diciendome que sea hora de moverse a continuacion. Entiendo, pero no es facil. Me han dado una vida a crear, y las vidas se han quitado de mi. No tengo nada mas decir...

Happy and Healthy

GEEZ

Sorry things have been so busy, I haven't been able to get on and write. I've thought about it probably 6 or 7 times but haven't gotten around to it. I am having the most fabulous time here in Colombia with my family. The one thing that I just can't stop thinking about is this: my Abuela and I have had several disagreements, but as soon as the next day comes, it's like nothing ever happened. She goes right back to loving me, feeding me, and teaching me. Not that I think that all goes away the minute we disagree, it's just strange that it seems to be accepted as totally normal? In foster care, when something happened and I mouthed off or got angry I would be continually punished for it. I know that I can't expect the same thing from my Abuela, I guess I just wasn't prepared for how much of a transition this would be. I figured I'd be able to learn family dynamics and that was it. Now I know better, now I know that family dynamics is something that you learn throughout your life and throughout your relationship with your family. I guess I shouldn't bitch about it ehh. I am greatful to be loved and to feel wanted. I am no longer an unwanted child of the "system", which by the way is so messed up! I was talking to my family today about my experiences in the group home and in being passed around from home to home. They were shocked. I guess I would be too, had I never been through it myself. They don't know much about the American system, and I'm afraid that they will hate America when I get done telling them about everything I've been through. I find myself back in the same place I was at when I first reunited with my Abuela, I want to tell them about me but I want to shelter them from hearing the bad things. They are adults though, they should be able to handle it. Today my Tia asked me about my education, I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. "Oh auntie didn't you know I dropped out of high school, worked in a strip culb, and got my GED through a place stationed in a building in lower Manhattan?"....GGEEEZZ! I told her I got my GED and went to Columbia University, she found that to be very interesting, the name of the school I went to I mean.
I really don't know why I am babbling on about nothing. I miss my American friends, I need contact with someone who knows me and who knows the way I need to trash talk our government. I really am happy here, and I'm getting a lot done in the way of healing. I'm just having some transitional issues, this Saturday will be 3 weeks that I've been here. I'm predicting that it will get easier in the very near future!
PS: I'm learning to cook...yes you read right...I'm learning to cook. Traditional food from scratch, not out of the box. I'm so psyched!
Miss you all! Love you! Email me and tell me your big news...my email is working!

September 11

Another year. Six years ago and I remember it like it's happening right in front of my face today! Tomorrow I will think about all those people. The firemen. They hold a special place in my heart after all those long weeks. I will never forget watching buildings collapse and burn. I saw more horrible things than even I care to remember...let alone write down. You don't want to read that shit. It's good for me to be away from the city, although it's the only place I feel I should be tomorrow. This is the first time in 6 years Jess and I will not be heading down to light candles and pray. Lots of firsts for me these days. Strange how the world works sometimes. I am doing well in Colombia with my Abuela. We went sight seeing today, I think mostly though, she wanted to talk to me alone. We had a long conversation about so many things...I talk to her more than anyone else lately. She has a lot of questions, a lot of time to hear stories, and a lot of wisdom to share. I suspect we could talk for days on end without any akward silence. She's good to me, she's good FOR me. I am learning so much. These 3 months are going to be a very crucial time in my life. I very much look forward to coming back to the states and moving, but I have all the patience in the world, because here I have a lot to absorb. Whether I noticed it or not, I fell into and found a place in this family. I belong here. I know for the first time in my life where I come from, where I've been, and where I will go. I no longer consider myself an orphan, I no longer consider myself to be unworthy of love. I really do believe that no matter how bad things get, you always have to keep fighting, because eventually everything comes full circle.

*A moment of silence in prayer for those who lost their lives, and for all those effected by the events of September 11, 2001.*

A New Start

In one week I will be heading back to see my Abuela. I'm going to be there for 3 months. At least that's how long my visa is for. I feel like these next three months will be the most important months of the rest of my life. This will be the first time since I was 16 that I won't be working all the time. This will be my time all to myself to heal and to learn about my family. I think I deserve to take time to focus on myself getting "better", if that's what you want to call it. It's going to be a big adjustment for me to spend a signifigant amount of time there and then come back to the states as a changed person. I'm really starting to feel like I fit in my own skin again. I'm getting back to a place where my life is happy, instead of plagued by all this 'trama shit'! I feel like I am in complete control of my life. Life is pretty damn good right now.

I don't really have as much to say as I thought I did. I just felt the need to write a little something.
Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Jail

Today was the retrial. I went to testify for the second time against the woman who sexually abused me from the ages of 7-9. She has been a foster mother for over 20 years, that's a lot of time to abuse children. It was a long process that all started with a letter. At the suggestion of Angela, I wrote a letter and delivered it to the department of childrens services and the police station. At first my letter was ignored, but once I showed up again to question their reasoning, the started a formal investigation. She was found to have been abusing two other girls that were in her custody as wards of the state. It went to trial and I testified as a character witness, since the statute had run out on my abuse, as I am now 24 years old. The end result of that trial was a hung jury. The judge decided after 48 hours that there would be a retrial...today. It has been one of the longest processes I've had to go through in my life. It really messed with my mind at first. I threw up, cried, and was almost unable to testify because I was so crazed with emotions. The second time I went in I threw up and cried a little, but I was much more in control. I knew that I was safe. The jury went out and practically came right back in with a guilty verdict. She was charged with 2 counts of sexual abuse in the 1st degree and 2 counts of child endangerment. She's going to jail for 20 years. That's a long fucking time. 20 years of prison for the 20 years of abuse she enflicted. Today I learned what justice is. Now I have total freedom. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. It was so well worth the struggle on my part because now, she can't hurt anymore little girls. I used my voice. It so possible for ANYONE to do the same thing. I never thought I would see her go to jail, but today I did. Now I can start my whole life over and gain back what I lost and more! I have absolutely no regrets!

B.L. (NY)