Struggling

The past couple of days have been fucking crazy! I've been struggling, trying to deal with seeing people from NYC again. They want me to come back home, they don't really understand how hard that would be for me. Going back to the place where I was violently raped, to date it has been 1 year next month. I am just not ready to live there again. Someday maybe. But not today.

Recently the loss of my wife has been especially hard. I miss her everyday. I want her back everyday. She commited suicide in March. The hardest thing is that she's gone, but a close second is that there will be no justice. Everything that happened to her will just become another silent lost case. It makes me angry to watch inncoent kids come into the ER with STD's and injuries that can only come from sexual abuse. If one person had taken the time to listen to Jess when she was young, then maybe her father would have gone to jail sooner, maybe she would still be alive. If I can be the one person to listen to these kids and get them the help they need and deserve, maybe I can prevent them from making the mistake of taking their lives! That to me is the only way I can honor and justify Jess' death.

Anger is such a crippling emotion! Right now, for the past year, I have held a lot of anger! I feel it in me, I know that it's there. But for some reason I just cannot get myself to let it come out. I can't let myself feel the anger and get rid of it. I just keep it tucked away deep inside me, and that I know, is hurting me. I'm angry because of the rape, the loss of Jess, and just the fact that my whole life has been turned upside down and I have become a person competely unrecognizable to myself. I know that I have to change and evolve with the fast paces of a changing world, but I feel like a complete stranger. All I want is to know myself and to have some level of peace in my life. I want to be at peace and be okay with everything that has happened. I know that it's going to take me a long time to get there, but I think if I can get headed in the right direction that everything will be a little bit less uncomfortable.

More to come...