Finding Me

Last night was a really long night! Some intense things were happening around me, and it led me to have flashbacks. I had a flashback about when I was kidnapped, when the man was raping me on a table. I get scared when it's dark because at one point he turned off the lights and he was in the room but I couldn't see him. He also left me alone in the dark tied up for hours, I didn't know if I would live or die. I am fearless during the day, but as soon as it gets dark I become a totally different person. It's the most terrifying feeling to be alone when it's dark. That was the most horrible experience of my entire life! I got through that flashback with the help of a friend, and I needed to rest, not sleep but rest. I stayed in that half awake state for a few hours. I got up to brush my teeth and get ready to try and sleep, and I had another flashback. This time it was about my foster mother. She would force me to drink alcohol and then molest me. In this paticular flashback she was raping me with the neck of an empty alcohol bottle. I remember I was laying on her bed naked, the door was closed, and there was only one table lamp on. She was drunk, wearing a bathrobe. She would brush my hair and tell me I was pretty but after a while she would take off my clothes and rub lotion on me. She would become increasingly perverse. All the while encouraging/forcing me to drink alcohol. She would never beat me and molest me in the same night. It fucked my mind more than I can put into words. She would be tender and care for me and groom me, and then she would beat me or molest me. I couldn't figure out how to feel. I loved her when she was kind, and I hated her when she was abusive! The longer it went on, the less I loved her.

My night pretty much sucked! That's safe to say. Today was ultimately better though. Since I have come to Colombia I have been having a really hard time figuring out where I belong. What my place is. Where my true home is. It has always been a consistant feeling for me to not know where I belong. I have always tried to find my place. Not having my parents and not living in the country my blood comes from really threw me off. I didn't know until recently who my biological family was. My wife found my family for me, my grandparents in Colombia. I came here because my grandfather was dying, and now I have to go back to the US, where I live and step back into my life that I have built there. I have to leave my grandmother alone, and that has been a really really hard decision for me to come to. I want for her to come back to the US with me but she will not, and I cannot live here. I know that it will be best for both of us to live in the country we grew up in. I know that I am Colombian deep down, and that I am an American otherwise. I have lived in NY for all of my 24 years there is no erasing that. When I first came to Colombia I was overwhelmed with everything that I had missed out on knowing. I quickly came to feel that this place really is my home. I was torn though because I also conisder NY my home. These confilcting feelings angered me and I ended up feeling the same as before, not knowing where my home is. I just want a place I can call home. Now I know that I am fortunate, I have two places to call home. I can come here to Colombia and call it home, I can come here and have my family, I can come here and belong. Not only that I can be in NY and call it home, and have a family in all of the friends who love me, and I can belong. My grandmother sent my parents, her son and daughter in law, to America so that they would have a better life, a safer life. She knew that I had been in foster care because after my parents died she tried to find me but couldn't. That was about all she knew about my life. When she told me why she sent them to America for a better life I lied to her and told her that I had had a safe and happy life all along. Someone helped me see the error in that, and I had a long conversation with her about everything. I told her that it meant the world to me that she was so strong and that she sacrificed herself for my parents and I to have a better life. I told her about what happened to me in foster care and that I was raped, but I did not give her all the details. I also told her about all of the wonderful things that have happened throughout my life, and about all the wonderful people who love me in America. She gave me a come to Jesus speech about lying to her, but in the end she understood. She was sad that I had been hurt, but she was happy that she now knows me and that I know her. She told me some amazing things about herself. You were right when you said I came from strong women (you know who you are). We both had to push our pride and private nature aside, so that we could take the chance and be vulnerable and get to know each other. I have to let her in, as does she. We have to let ourselves be loved by eachother as well. Today I really figured out where I belong, where my home is, and who I really brutally honestly am.

It was really hard for me to find myself and to realize just how lost I became. No matter how hard it was, I am so glad I searched and found it! It was worth it all!