Birthday

So today was my birthday. 24. For some reason today just wasn't a big deal to me. I had a really nice, relaxing, laid back, kinda day. I spent some time in a really beautiful park, writing and thinking. There were tons of kids there.... It's hard some days. I had an awesome dinner with some friends at a very authentic Mexican resturant. It was good! A taste of home almost. We went dancing too, but I didn't stay long. I wasn't in the mood to celebrate. I feel guilty celebrating when Jess isn't here. This is my first birthday without her in a really long time. I can't even imagine how I'm going to feel on her birthday, or the anniversary of her death. I will never be used to her being gone. At some point though, I will be able to live with it. Right now all I can do is force myself to keep on moving forward. If I don't it's letting her stupid fucking father win. Speaking of...my best birthday present....! Jess' sister sent me a package in the mail that I opened today. It was an album of pictures that she found when she was going through her father's things. It would have put him in jail for sure!!!! Where the fuck was this album when Jess and HIM were still alive!? When she was trying to get the police and the doctors to help her!? Where the fuck was it then!? GOD this makes me so mad! Happy birthday to me. Pictures of my wife being raped and beaten. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? How can the world be so unfair? I keep telling myself that there is a reason why Jess went through that hell and why I am going through this hell. Someday it will be something meaningful. Someday I will be a better person because of it. I know that I have to stay alive. For Jess. For me. And for the people who care about me. So here I am....fighting till I haven't got anything left in me to fight with.