Hair Cut! Ooooh

I decided to cut my hair, and now I love it! I did it myself. :) It was awesome!
And by the way, this is the shortest I've ever had my hair in my whole life!

J.L.R. <3

6/28/83-3/16/07

This is the woman who was the love of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me, the only one who ever held my heart. As hard as it is for me to finally post this image, it's blissful at the same time. It's been 9 months since she passed. I have nothing but gratitude for everything she was and everything she did and everything she opened up to me.

Love of my life, light of my mind, fire in my belly, air in my lungs, inspiration in my sorrow....Jess may you finally rest in peace and be released from all the abuse you endured. Thank you for sharing your life with me, for opening me up to become the person we both know I can. 143 forever and always.

Central Park

OKAY.
I understand why people would ask this woman these questions...because they are uneducated when it comes to rape. Sure maybe it wasn't the safest thing to run in Central Park at night, BUT it wasn't stupid. People, men and women, have every right to be where they want when they want and not expect consequences like being raped. What if she had been raped in the middle of the afternoon in the park? Not like that's never happened before. Central Park can be as safe or dangerous as any other place in the world. Fact is people have been attacked in broad daylight there. What would you say to her then... Were you wearing provocative clothing? I mean seriously, come on people. No one asks to be raped. No one! It's not her fault that she was raped, no matter what she was doing or when or where. Plain and simple, end of story.

Read the article and form your own opinion.

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/11/15/central-park-rape-victim-and-oprah-at-odds/

5 Speed

To me it's amazing that as you begin to heal, things in every aspect of your life change.

With my current situation, I all of a sudden find myself entirely focused and tuned into what I need and what my body is telling me. The human body is far more skilled at involuntary action that I ever realized. There are so many things that your body and your brain do to protect you, it's amazing. Your body knows better than your conscious self does sometimes, what is best for you. We have to stop being afraid to ask for what we need. It's important not to deny yourself. A lot of people tend to think of others before they think of themselves. I myself being one of those people. To be a caregiver is far easier than to ask for and let someone come that close and take care of you. It's a part of the pattern of keeping people at a safe distance. It's good to let people in. It helps more than you'd ever think. Though it may be difficult to cross that first threshold and allow someone in, it will be worth it in the end. You really will feel supported and understood. I only speak from my own experiences and those of the people close to me that I've seen this same thing happen to. To jeopardize such important things, by not asking for help or asking for the things you need, is foolish. And although you may see a situation in a specific way, often times you are too close to have an accurate perspective. If someone you trust can offer you insights and a new perspective that can change the situation and maybe even make things easier.

As these foreign instincts flood into my body I am starting to see what it's like when I live a happy, whole life. Everything happens for a reason. The timing is never wrong. Everything you need will come to you when the time is right. As I have been in need and trust that God will provide for me, things have appeared. I'm not talking about magic, I'm talking about manifestation. You can literally attract things to you with your thought patterns. I had to push my pride to the back burner and learn to ask for what I need and not feel guilty about it. Guilt will eat you alive, especially when it's unnecessary. If you are able to release that guilt and fill the empty space with compassion for yourself and your needs, you will be surprised to see how much differently you feel.

And as parting wisdom, not everyone can read all over your face, or see into your brain, to know what's going on. It's obvious to you when something is up because it's happening to you, other people don't always see you differently. They don't always know when something is wrong. Be careful when you make assumptions. I learned that lesson.

The Light

So I had a phone conversation with someone last night. She knows who she is :). It was very honest and it felt good! I feel like she understands so well.

Anyways, I just wanted to express some thoughts about the conversation.

A lot of things have changed for me in the past year and a half. I feel like I have come so far. It's a long road from losing my wife and my child to where I am now. I have done so much healing, yet there is still so much more to be done. I don't think you're ever entirely finished healing. It's one of those things you can get the majority of it done, but there are always ways to become a better, healthier, more whole person. For my circumstance the majority of the healing revolved around being able to just make through one day. I used to force myself out of bed, into the shower, and to sit down and eat. I was crying all the time, getting sick, my blood sugar was going crazy, and I had chronic headaches. If anyone has ever told you that some of the side effects of trauma are health problems...BELIEVE them! So in the conversation I was having last night I was telling her how much easier things are for me. Now most days I wake up, spend my day, and go to bed happy. Of course I have an occasional bad day, but who doesn't. The point is...I made progress. I have deeper roots in my faith than I have ever had in my life. I'm happy and healthy, and I'm starting my life on a new page. I am so greatful and so blessed by all of the amazing people I have in my life. I don't know how I came across most of these people, but God doesn't do anything by accident. I honestly feel like my life is so much better. I am truly uplifted by God, by the people I love, by the people I don't know who pray for me so often, and by the little things that come into my life every single day that make me smile. :)

So I wanted to share my testimony with everyone on here. Life gets better, it really and truly does. If you just persue what you need and what you want, good things will come to you. My life is good, and it took me a long time to get here. Yea it was a stuggle and a fight for a long time there, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! I swear. It's there, I'm living proof and there are so many others. Trust in yourself. Think of yourself often, do not put your needs in the terms of healing on the back burner. Healing is paramount! Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Bit Angry

So I've made it to Washington safely. YAY! My car however, is in rough shape! It may be headed to the junkyard on Tuesday. We'll see.

So I have one thing to say...I am sick and tired of the injustice that occurs in this world every single day in such a careless manner that you'd think it were the same as breathing! People just don't give a fuck about other people anymore. In the general population we need to be more aware and more sensitive. GEEZ. Do I sound angry? That's because I am! GRR! People just stop and think before you do anything, okay!

Enough

I'm back in the United States. I'm not sure yet where I am going. All I know is that I need to hurry up and buckle down. I cannot find myself about to have a baby with no job and no money saved. That's just not an option for me. I refuse to be a bad parent, I refuse to let me child experience any kind of abuse or foster care system. That's all just too fucked up. This human being is going to be entirely dependent upon me and I intend to do a damn good job. I may have lost everything else, but I will not, WILL NOT, lose my child if I can help it! It's the one chance I have to do something really good in this world. It's true that kids change your life. I'm not looking for that though. I've done enough life changing on my own. I'm ready to be the positive influence in someone else's life! I'm ready to be the one who looks at that child and knows that it's everything. I have more than enough love to give and knowledge to share. It's really important to me that I be able to give my child what was taken away from me. I want him/her to always know that they are loved, and not feel like they are unloveable. I want him/her to always have a solid sense of where they belong, and not to have to wonder where they fit in or where they came from or where they can go. I don't want there to be holes in this child's life. If there will only ever be one thing I fully succeed at, then I pray to God, down on my knees begging, that this be it!

Es una muestra.

Es una muestra. La vida es diciendome que sea hora de moverse a continuacion. Entiendo, pero no es facil. Me han dado una vida a crear, y las vidas se han quitado de mi. No tengo nada mas decir...

Happy and Healthy

GEEZ

Sorry things have been so busy, I haven't been able to get on and write. I've thought about it probably 6 or 7 times but haven't gotten around to it. I am having the most fabulous time here in Colombia with my family. The one thing that I just can't stop thinking about is this: my Abuela and I have had several disagreements, but as soon as the next day comes, it's like nothing ever happened. She goes right back to loving me, feeding me, and teaching me. Not that I think that all goes away the minute we disagree, it's just strange that it seems to be accepted as totally normal? In foster care, when something happened and I mouthed off or got angry I would be continually punished for it. I know that I can't expect the same thing from my Abuela, I guess I just wasn't prepared for how much of a transition this would be. I figured I'd be able to learn family dynamics and that was it. Now I know better, now I know that family dynamics is something that you learn throughout your life and throughout your relationship with your family. I guess I shouldn't bitch about it ehh. I am greatful to be loved and to feel wanted. I am no longer an unwanted child of the "system", which by the way is so messed up! I was talking to my family today about my experiences in the group home and in being passed around from home to home. They were shocked. I guess I would be too, had I never been through it myself. They don't know much about the American system, and I'm afraid that they will hate America when I get done telling them about everything I've been through. I find myself back in the same place I was at when I first reunited with my Abuela, I want to tell them about me but I want to shelter them from hearing the bad things. They are adults though, they should be able to handle it. Today my Tia asked me about my education, I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. "Oh auntie didn't you know I dropped out of high school, worked in a strip culb, and got my GED through a place stationed in a building in lower Manhattan?"....GGEEEZZ! I told her I got my GED and went to Columbia University, she found that to be very interesting, the name of the school I went to I mean.
I really don't know why I am babbling on about nothing. I miss my American friends, I need contact with someone who knows me and who knows the way I need to trash talk our government. I really am happy here, and I'm getting a lot done in the way of healing. I'm just having some transitional issues, this Saturday will be 3 weeks that I've been here. I'm predicting that it will get easier in the very near future!
PS: I'm learning to cook...yes you read right...I'm learning to cook. Traditional food from scratch, not out of the box. I'm so psyched!
Miss you all! Love you! Email me and tell me your big news...my email is working!

September 11

Another year. Six years ago and I remember it like it's happening right in front of my face today! Tomorrow I will think about all those people. The firemen. They hold a special place in my heart after all those long weeks. I will never forget watching buildings collapse and burn. I saw more horrible things than even I care to remember...let alone write down. You don't want to read that shit. It's good for me to be away from the city, although it's the only place I feel I should be tomorrow. This is the first time in 6 years Jess and I will not be heading down to light candles and pray. Lots of firsts for me these days. Strange how the world works sometimes. I am doing well in Colombia with my Abuela. We went sight seeing today, I think mostly though, she wanted to talk to me alone. We had a long conversation about so many things...I talk to her more than anyone else lately. She has a lot of questions, a lot of time to hear stories, and a lot of wisdom to share. I suspect we could talk for days on end without any akward silence. She's good to me, she's good FOR me. I am learning so much. These 3 months are going to be a very crucial time in my life. I very much look forward to coming back to the states and moving, but I have all the patience in the world, because here I have a lot to absorb. Whether I noticed it or not, I fell into and found a place in this family. I belong here. I know for the first time in my life where I come from, where I've been, and where I will go. I no longer consider myself an orphan, I no longer consider myself to be unworthy of love. I really do believe that no matter how bad things get, you always have to keep fighting, because eventually everything comes full circle.

*A moment of silence in prayer for those who lost their lives, and for all those effected by the events of September 11, 2001.*

A New Start

In one week I will be heading back to see my Abuela. I'm going to be there for 3 months. At least that's how long my visa is for. I feel like these next three months will be the most important months of the rest of my life. This will be the first time since I was 16 that I won't be working all the time. This will be my time all to myself to heal and to learn about my family. I think I deserve to take time to focus on myself getting "better", if that's what you want to call it. It's going to be a big adjustment for me to spend a signifigant amount of time there and then come back to the states as a changed person. I'm really starting to feel like I fit in my own skin again. I'm getting back to a place where my life is happy, instead of plagued by all this 'trama shit'! I feel like I am in complete control of my life. Life is pretty damn good right now.

I don't really have as much to say as I thought I did. I just felt the need to write a little something.
Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Jail

Today was the retrial. I went to testify for the second time against the woman who sexually abused me from the ages of 7-9. She has been a foster mother for over 20 years, that's a lot of time to abuse children. It was a long process that all started with a letter. At the suggestion of Angela, I wrote a letter and delivered it to the department of childrens services and the police station. At first my letter was ignored, but once I showed up again to question their reasoning, the started a formal investigation. She was found to have been abusing two other girls that were in her custody as wards of the state. It went to trial and I testified as a character witness, since the statute had run out on my abuse, as I am now 24 years old. The end result of that trial was a hung jury. The judge decided after 48 hours that there would be a retrial...today. It has been one of the longest processes I've had to go through in my life. It really messed with my mind at first. I threw up, cried, and was almost unable to testify because I was so crazed with emotions. The second time I went in I threw up and cried a little, but I was much more in control. I knew that I was safe. The jury went out and practically came right back in with a guilty verdict. She was charged with 2 counts of sexual abuse in the 1st degree and 2 counts of child endangerment. She's going to jail for 20 years. That's a long fucking time. 20 years of prison for the 20 years of abuse she enflicted. Today I learned what justice is. Now I have total freedom. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. It was so well worth the struggle on my part because now, she can't hurt anymore little girls. I used my voice. It so possible for ANYONE to do the same thing. I never thought I would see her go to jail, but today I did. Now I can start my whole life over and gain back what I lost and more! I have absolutely no regrets!

B.L. (NY)

Coming Back Home

I will be on my way home soon. The retrial is August 27th, so I will be home somewhere around then. I promise to make some phone calls to some important people once I get my cell phone back. I'm pretty excited about coming back, although a little sad to be leaving my family. I've started to fit in here. It would be so easy to just stay, but here it would be so much more difficult to get back everything I used to have. In the US it's easier, more opportunities. I'm planning a move, you all know that. I think that will be the best thing for me. What used to be my life is no longer, I think starting over deserves a new location. What better time to relocate than when I have no strings to tie me down.

Since I've been here and I haven't been working I've had a lot of time to sit and write, to think, and to come to terms with everything. It's been a long road this past year and a half. Sometimes I can't believe just how long, I remember when it was good. Other times it seems like so long ago, I just turn away from it and look towards my future. I do have one. A future. That is one thing I have decided. I have a future, one that no one in the world will take away from me.

It has been 5 months now that Jess has been gone. That's almost half a year. I've been through the denial, the sadness, the anger, bargaining, I think now....I'm finally starting to accept it. I get that there is nothing I could have done to stop her. It was her choice to do something as stupid as she did. It hurts me still that she was so selfish, but for whatever reason, it was meant to happen. I'm sure I will still have days when I'm sad or angry. But Jess has moved on from the earth I live on. I know she's watching me. I know she loves me. I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I know she herself was hurting far too much to think of anyone else's pain. I feel a great amount of pain, knowing how much she hurt, knowing I couldn't take it away. I know that someone I loved more than anyone else in the world was in so much pain that not a single person could have stopped her. That hurts. I hate her father for the pain he enflicted on her and for the coward he became once she was dead! But to carry all of that anger and hurt around inside me is more damaging than it is for me to forgive a dead man.

As long as I've been here, I haven't had any flashbacks or nightmares. I've slept a sound 8 hours. For the first time in so long I can't remember, I am able to sleep. Knowing that my family is here to watch over me and keep me safe, knowing that no one here will hurt me, it's a relief. Not having to look over my shoulder and wonder if I will be safe, it feels good.

I've lost my city, my house, my child, my wife, my job, a part of me that I used to love, but still....there's something left. There is a part of me so raw and strong and beautiful I never knew existed. It doesn't come from what I've learned or how I grew up, it comes from something so much deeper than that. It comes from what women before me gave to me. I can't explain how I see myself now, because I can't entirely remember what it felt like to be me before all the shit. I'm different. I'm scarred, marked, bruised, whatever, but scars fade and bruises heal. When I reach the other end of the spectrum who knows what I will become. All I know is that whatever I look like then, I will be stronger and more able to help other people because of it. I survived.

I hope this finds you all well. I am sorry I haven't been in contact much. I hope that this will help to assure you all of my safety and well being. I love you. I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you. You are just as much my family as the people I'm staying with. Big hugs. See you and talk to you all very soon.

Trust

The place I'm in right now has been very comforting to me. It's eye opening. I love it, and I think after the retrial is over I may stay here for a few months. There are a lot of things I need to learn. I know that I am safe here, so I have been able to let go and feel. I'm not working, so I have a lot of time to myself. My realization has come and gone. I've lost everything. My home, my wife, my child, my job. Everything I've worked for is gone. I have to start over. I've hit rock fucking bottom, and I can only go up from here. When the last straw came, I lost my job, I was in total disbelief of what had just happened. Little by little my entire world just fell right out from underneath me, leaving me nothing to stand on. I'm forced to climb. This is a great opportunity for me to grow. This is a perfect opportunity for me to heal. If I take a few months off from everything and focus on healing, I think I will be at a great advantage when I move to my new home. I've already decided that I will call it home. It will be home. Once I'm there I won't leave unless I want to. I won't let trauma and people force me out. For a moment that's what ruled my life and took over. The moment I stepped foot in that hospital and filed that police report, and then got myself the hell outta dodge, that's when I took control of my life back. When I kick that lady's ass in retrial, I will be taking my control back. When I go home (to my new home) I will be taking my control back. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am stubborn and persistant and independent. I'm latina, what did you really expect? Lol! I can't be kicked onto my ass and stay there. I fucking refuse. It has been a real challenge to find the strength in me to do all of this. I'm still not sure I've found it, but I have people who are letting me borrow theirs. People are praying for me, uplifting me, giving me gifts of love and strength. I only hope that oneday I can repay them. I only hope that my fight makes some small difference. I hope it's worth it. I keep telling a friend to trust her gut, I guess it's time I eat my own advice and trust my gut. Trust that I deserve...

I love you! Hug!

Nightmares

The nightmares I've been having are really strange. It's nothing all that traumatic. In my dream I'm laying on my bed, and the window breaks and there is someone laying on top of me. I can't get the person off. I can't tell if it's a man or a woman, the person isn't hurting me. They just lay there on top of me and I can't move, or breath. I'm scared, I scream and cry. Then suddenly I find myself awake, sitting blot upright on my bed, screaming and crying. The window is not broken and there is no one on top of me, stifling me. I'm in panic mode. Ready to get up and run away or fight off an attack, but there's nothing real that's threatening my safety.

I have no idea what the fuck it means, or why I'm having it, or where it even came from! I know in this post it sounds minor, but it has taken me two days just to be able to type about it, to a computer screen. It doesn't bother me in my waking life, once I've overcome the panic and fear. It disturbs my sleep though. Once I've had this nightmare and I wake up, there is no sleep after that. I cannot get back to sleep. I either lay awake, or get up and get ready and go to work early. I've been working a lot of doubles lately.

I'm sure there must be some deep set reason for this nightmare, as there always is. I haven't found it. And until I do find it, there's not really much I or anyone else can do to help me. My whole life I've never really had many nightmares. I had a few when I was a kid. In my adult life though, I never had them until June of last year. HA go figure right. It is really taking a toll on me. All this dark imagination that is going on inside my head when I sleep. What would make me imagine such horrible things!? Some of it I know is based on traumatic events, but this....I just don't know. Until I do know, it will just have to be more restless nights.

My Mind Is Clear

I took off into the woods and spent time alone with myself. I got angry and screamed and threw things. I got sad and cried uncontrollably. I got happy and sang and danced in the rain. I became pensive and I sat in the dead quiet calm and thought. I felt energetic so I hiked and swam. I was tired and I slept. I was hungry and I ate. I hardly spoke. All I did was exist. Pure and simple. There was nothing to stop me from expressing myself because I was alone. There was nothing to interfere. No outside sources to make me worried or anxious. It was so basic. I needed it. I needed to get back to the most simple way of life I could. My metamorphosis is indescribable. I am clear and calm and strong. I am ready to fight. Ready for whatever is thrown at me. I am ready. I am ready.

COURT: First Day Of The Rest Of My Life?

What do you do when everything changes? When you sit infront of 40 people and tell your deepest, most well kept secrets? When someone you love and have known for years suddenly sees the old parts of you and realizes what abuse did to you? Is there one single moment of clarity? Or does it come in waves?

I sat in a court room filled with both familiar strangers and souls whose paths I'd never crossed. There were people in that room I have not seen since childhood. I lived with "her" from the ages of 7 to 9. Some people say that you can't clearly remember events or details from that age. I do. I think everyone can. I saw her face and it looked the same. Erase some wrinkles and some graying hair, and she is the same person. Her eyes never changed. Her presence is still haunting. The memories of her still make me sick, violently so.

The man called my name and I walked down the hallway, turned the corner into the room with Blair right behind me holding my hand, looked up from the floor and I saw her face. I immediately turned around and hit the next door, to the women's washroom, and threw up in the trash bin. The man who had called my name raced in behind us, but left. I assume he went to tell the judge or whoever what was going on. I stayed in the bathroom puking for 15 minutes. After I collected myself and washed the running makeup off my face, I went back in. This time I did not look at her. I ignored the fact that I could feel her stare bore right through me. I sat in this little 3 sided box in a hard, uncomfortable chair. The lawyer told me to answer all questions as straight-forwardly as possible. It took maybe 15 minutes at the most. I told my story. I wasn't scared of her. It's almost like this little wooden railing in front of me became an invisible barrier. I kept thinking in my head..."There's a cop with a gun, this barrier is protecting me, she ain't comin over here!" I cried while I spoke my truth. It's human I guess. I stared straight at her when I walked out. She knew me, she remembered. The second I first made eye contact with her I could tell, she recognized me for exactly who I am, and who I was.

Immediately afterwards I couldn't even look at Blair. I was so ashamed and embarassed that I took everything upon myself. I didn't think I'd be able to face her. I saw her tears when I was speaking and shedding my own. She didn't bring anything up, she let me choose the topic of conversation. All she did was hug me. That's the first time in a long time anyone has held me other than my Abuela. It's like she understood without any words. She just held me, and when I pulled away she kissed my forehead and told me that I was brave. We went and had ice cream and talked about clothes, ahh to feel like a kid again!

My whole drive home I listened to music and cried! I just cried, and I screamed, and I didn't care which trucker was looking at me like a nutcase. The moment I went into my room to change my clothes my pillow caught my eye. I lay down for a minute and started to cry. This wasn't the same as before though. This was not sad tears, this was fucking pissed off tears. I hit my bed and my pillow as hard as I could. Now it's like a calm has come over me. I was able to collect all of my thoughts and actually put them into words. I was able to sit here for 10 minutes and type out this blog entry. I feel like I've removed a malignant tumor from my chest cavity. I feel like an adult. I feel safe. In Angela Shelton's version, I feel like I've removed the sword.

Finding Solace

Ohh man last night was a bit dramatic! Totally unexpected. My Abuela and I had a long day, and I went in to take a shower after I thought she was in bed asleep. I'm not really sure why, but I totally lost it. I started crying hysterically! There was no real reason other than the fact that I was going to have to release all that pent up emotion at some point. I figured I could hold out until she at least went back home. Nope. Wrong. So anyways...I'm in the bathroom sitting on the floor with the shower running, crying uncontrolably and in walks my Abuela......can you see the expression on my face...ohh yea, fucking busted! There's no getting out of this one, not with her around. She's more stubborn and persistant than I am! So I had to tell her what I had been thinking about and what was bothering me so much that I was having a total meltdown!

I explained to her that being in NYC and meeting all my friends(family really), and seeing all the places I had lived, and visiting all the tourist attractions, seeing the sights, her asking about September 11, it all made me think of Jess. Every step on that sidewalk, every mile in those cabs, every bump of the subway, every blade of grass in Central Park,every smell, every sound, everything, everything, everything. Everything in NYC reminds me of the life I used to have and the wife that I lost and, GOD I FUCKING HATE HOW I FEEL! NYC is the only home I have ever had up until about a year ago. Everything that has ever happened in my life, happened there. All the good, all the bad, and all the inbetween. My abuse throughout foster care, my rape, my wife's torture by her father, seeing Jess alive for the last time, THE LAST TIME! I got my GED, went to college, worked my butt off, had a nice place to live, fell in love, had awesome friends, an active life, lots of interests, lots of ways to fulfill those interests, a wife!

Throw into the mix that for the first time, I stood face to face with a woman and a group of other people...who shared the blood flowing through my viens. I went to another country, the place I would have been born, and met my family. Not foster famly, not friends who are like family, FAMILY. The woman standing in front of me gave birth to my father. She is my mother, one step removed. She saved my mother from a horrible experience and took that upon herself. This woman has lived so much and knows more withought being schooled than I ever could wish to obtain in two lifetimes!

What's wrong she asked me...I'm on overload and I'm grieving my wife, and facing the abuse I endured. Flat out, there it is. I told her everything. How could I not? She stared at me with those black eyes that seem to know everything. She held my hands in hers, her hands that for over half a century have become perfect. They are tough, and wrinkled, and soft, and gentle, and skilled. She hugged me in her arms, arms that once hugged my parents. She told me that she understood. She told me I would be okay. She told me-what lasts forever is only what I choose. She explained that no matter how bad things are around you, you need to find something good. That's how you survive, that's how you fix things that need to be repaired. Every person is a mechanic of sorts, they all learn how to mend the wounds of themselves and others, dude is she amazing or what, I never would have thought that she would say things like this, or be able to comfort me this much.

Somehow in all of her speaking, which is soft and deep and low and a bit raspy, but so comforting, I stopped crying. I focused on her voice and her touch and without realizing, I focused on myself, something I am not very good at. Her accent and her spanish words rolled around in my head and sank in. They made more sense than anything I've heard since Jess said "I love you" just before she stopped hugging me to board the plane, I never heard her speak again after that. My Abuela is the only person who has been able to reach the woman I locked inside of myself since Jess died. It had slowly been happening, this locking away of a human soul, but Jess' death was the straw the was just too much, it made me lock the door and hide the key. She didn't even need the key to unlock the door. She just pushed it open. I let her in.

Grief

Grieving is not an easy process. I knew it would be more painful than I could ever try to imagine to lose someone I loved, but I just wasn't ready for this. I don't think anyone ever is. I keep stumbling upon all these new "steps" in the process. A friend told me that currently I am going through the stage where I am sad for MY PERSONAL loss. Whereas before, I was trying to console everyone else who lost Jess. I guess that was my coping mechanism. To focus my attention on helping other people deal with it. Suicide is fucking scary shit! I was offering everyone the tissues, while I remained dry eyed, with anger! I cried when I first found out, uncontrollably, but after that I was angry. I am still angry. Now though, I feel more sadness. It kills me to think that she is gone. It's hard to sleep, eat, shower, walk, breathe, and even speak some days. I know that all the anger I'm hanging onto isn't healthy, but someday soon I will release it. I've been talking to some great people. I've gathered a lot of information, now I just need to put my knowledge into action.

On a happier note, my Abuela came to visit me! YAY! I'm so proud of her for flying here. She's so brave. Especially at a time like now, while she is mourning my Abuelo's death. She doesn't talk as much here as she did when we were in Colombia, but she has asked to see a lot of things I never would have thought to show her. She keeps my on my toes with my Spanish, let me tell ya!! Not to mention my hair...
I lover her though. She is practically all the family I have in the world. Not too long ago I didn't think I had any real family at all. Now look. I'm the spitting image of my Abuela and my Tia! (Grandmother-Abuela...Aunt-Tia) for those of you who are Spanish challenged.
It's a little but scary for me to let her in. I think she is starting to understand more than I would like, what my life was like for the first 16 years. I wanted to shelter her from all of the horrible things, that make the "America is Perfect" idea a false promise. In a way it's good, but for her it's heartbreaking as well. The last thing I want to do is break her heart more than it already is. I will never know or understand how she has survived her life. She is my one true hero.

And there I end it,
but with a picture from my trip to Washington!