Tomorrow morning I am off to Washington. I'm not taking my laptop with me, so I don't know if I will get time to blog while I'm away or not. I will be gone from June 18-July 6. So use my cell if you want/need to talk to me.
I'm excited to be leaving for a few weeks. I will be a good change of scenery for me. It's a trip for work, but I am looking at is as a vacation! In light of my recent "sleep problems" I am going to snooze the whole plane ride! I can't wait! I'm not sure what's up with my sleep cycle, but I'm gonna kick it back into shape!
Hopefully everyone is doing well! Talk to you all, as soon as I can!
Peace, Love, & Hugs!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I Don't Know What To Say...
I don't know what to say about this drawing. It scares me. I don't know where it came from or how I even managed to bring my pencil to that. The only thing I can even begin to read into that, is that it represents my foster mother and my rapist. I really...I don't know...
Monday, June 11, 2007
Dirty Work
Just a little while ago I wrote a letter and sent it to the people at child welfare and the police. It was a letter about the abuse and molestation I endured while living in one paticular foster home. The woman has two children of her own and has been a foster mother for 20 years or more. The other day I recieved a phone call from a friend of mine who was in foster care with me at that time. A detective spoke with her and was trying to get in touch with a lot of other people who have lived with her as well. She gave him my phone number. Today I spoke to him on the phone and he would like me to come to New York and fill out a formal statement. Tomorrow is my day off from work, and I will be driving down to meet him. This woman, who calls her self a mother, has already lost her license and any children she was caring for. Her own kids are grown, but I remember them, and I'm sure that they knew what was going on! It feels good to watch her go down for what she did, and also to be a part of it! It scares me too though. Big time. For two years she had complete control of my life! She did a damn good job of making me afraid of the dark and ruining my innocence! In previous posts I've said that I am sick of being down, and that I am not going to stand for this shit anymore. I meant it god damn it! Blair would call that my "latina charm"! Hehehe!
I am also in the process of trying to figure out what the hell to do with the pictures I have that would have convicted Jess' "dad". The detective who handled that case told me off. As far as that goes I think I may have hit a dead end, but we will see what happens while I am in NY in person. Maybe things will be a little different. So tomorrow is my "dirty work" day. I am going to take care of a few things that have been hanging over my head. I also can't wait to see all of my friends! I told one of them I was coming down and she got the rest of them together, so now we are taking over a resturante for some dinner and some girl talk. :-D
I will write an update in a few days, when things have calmed down.
Luv Ya!
I am also in the process of trying to figure out what the hell to do with the pictures I have that would have convicted Jess' "dad". The detective who handled that case told me off. As far as that goes I think I may have hit a dead end, but we will see what happens while I am in NY in person. Maybe things will be a little different. So tomorrow is my "dirty work" day. I am going to take care of a few things that have been hanging over my head. I also can't wait to see all of my friends! I told one of them I was coming down and she got the rest of them together, so now we are taking over a resturante for some dinner and some girl talk. :-D
I will write an update in a few days, when things have calmed down.
Luv Ya!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
New Poem
Before me is the mountain I must climb
All of my efforts get me half way up
But I lose my footing
The thread breaks
And I fall from grace
As before I will try again
I find myself once more at half way
I lose my footing
This time not a thread
But a rope holds me in place
As I regain my footing
And once again begin to climb
So that should I reach the summit
I may find grace
All of my efforts get me half way up
But I lose my footing
The thread breaks
And I fall from grace
As before I will try again
I find myself once more at half way
I lose my footing
This time not a thread
But a rope holds me in place
As I regain my footing
And once again begin to climb
So that should I reach the summit
I may find grace
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Quietly Collected Thoughts
I have been thinking about a lot of things. Sometimes it's just not the time to put your thoughts out there yet though....know what I mean? I like to just let things sit in my brain and roll around for a few days sometimes before I let them out. In this situation, that was the case.
Since my visit to my other home (Colombia) things have been very different for me. I now have family...blood family...like HELLO! Where did that come from? I was looking left and it hit me from the right. It's good though. In an odd way I have to relearn family dynamics. I'm not really sure how to go about doing that, however I have the feeling that my new found family is going to show me real quick! I am more than open to having them in my life. I'm curious and also a bit apprehensive about the way things work when I'm not in foster care, living with people who abuse me.
...I was about to say "Why is it so scary to lose yourself and then become a whole person again?" I had second thoughts on that statement. I'm not sure I ever really was whole to begin with. A long time ago when I still had my parents...that's whole. The time I was in foster care...not so much. In the time between getting my GED and living with Jess, right up until June 5 2006...that was pretty close to being whole. Right now I can say that I am begining to feel like a whole person again. Not some variable where I'm sortof whole, but not really....the real deal. Genuine. It has left an empty place inside of me, losing Jess, but I think that someday I will be okay with the fact that she's gone. I will never stop loving her or missing her. But one day I will be whole again. I am starting to come to terms with it. I kindof sit there with a stern look on my face, not saying anything, listening to all these signs and messages from God, like I'm trying to let him talk me into being okay with the fact that she is my angel now. I'm not against having an angel watching over me, but come on...did it really have to be HER!? In my opinion it wasn't her time to die, but I am a mere mortal. It taught me, probably what I consider to be one of the biggest lessons I have ever learned in my life! No matter what happens to you, you have to just keep on living, and looking for that "thing". That something, whatever it may be. I am sick and tired to death of living day to day just trying to stay alive. I know that surviving is important, OBVIOUSLY! But now I know that LIVING, not just surviving is what will save my spirit. God will take care of my soul. But I am the keeper of my spirit.
I feel it in the air, there is a transition happening over here in Granville, NY! I can't believe I am about to write this... It feels so awkward. I am becoming more than just a survivor, I am becoming a fighter! I do fight for Jess, after all. That is something I have to live up to. I can't just wear the t-shirt. HA! Literally. All of my art work, I believe that Jess is my muse, she is the one who is sending me the inspiration to paint and draw all of this stuff. You've seen it. I have no fucking clue where some of it comes from. Since I started playing my Abuelo's guitar I have written a few songs too. Between expressing my inner being, and working out, and being a nurse(double time)...I don't have time for much else these days. I am a busy woman. And I like it. Call me a workaholic if you will, it's a title I will proudly wear! You all know me, and how I feel about labels and titles...enough said. I will be in Washington soon, for three weeks, I will consider that a bit of a vacation for me. I love the West Coast. Whose bright idea was it to live on the East? Ohh....that would be me... :-P ! Hey, can't help it! NYC has the best vibe, it's like it's own country with all the energy it holds! I love it! Someone I know, Blair....ahh hem...is going to tell me that I need to remember to take time to heal, and time for myself. I know hon, I will! Luv ya!
What else, what else....my mind is buzzing and my keyboard was getting dusty. I know I have more to say. K I was wrong, I ran out of things to write about, but it could have something to do with the fact that I am fucking TIRED! Sleep is good, so I'm gonna go get me some.
Love Ya!
Since my visit to my other home (Colombia) things have been very different for me. I now have family...blood family...like HELLO! Where did that come from? I was looking left and it hit me from the right. It's good though. In an odd way I have to relearn family dynamics. I'm not really sure how to go about doing that, however I have the feeling that my new found family is going to show me real quick! I am more than open to having them in my life. I'm curious and also a bit apprehensive about the way things work when I'm not in foster care, living with people who abuse me.
...I was about to say "Why is it so scary to lose yourself and then become a whole person again?" I had second thoughts on that statement. I'm not sure I ever really was whole to begin with. A long time ago when I still had my parents...that's whole. The time I was in foster care...not so much. In the time between getting my GED and living with Jess, right up until June 5 2006...that was pretty close to being whole. Right now I can say that I am begining to feel like a whole person again. Not some variable where I'm sortof whole, but not really....the real deal. Genuine. It has left an empty place inside of me, losing Jess, but I think that someday I will be okay with the fact that she's gone. I will never stop loving her or missing her. But one day I will be whole again. I am starting to come to terms with it. I kindof sit there with a stern look on my face, not saying anything, listening to all these signs and messages from God, like I'm trying to let him talk me into being okay with the fact that she is my angel now. I'm not against having an angel watching over me, but come on...did it really have to be HER!? In my opinion it wasn't her time to die, but I am a mere mortal. It taught me, probably what I consider to be one of the biggest lessons I have ever learned in my life! No matter what happens to you, you have to just keep on living, and looking for that "thing". That something, whatever it may be. I am sick and tired to death of living day to day just trying to stay alive. I know that surviving is important, OBVIOUSLY! But now I know that LIVING, not just surviving is what will save my spirit. God will take care of my soul. But I am the keeper of my spirit.
I feel it in the air, there is a transition happening over here in Granville, NY! I can't believe I am about to write this... It feels so awkward. I am becoming more than just a survivor, I am becoming a fighter! I do fight for Jess, after all. That is something I have to live up to. I can't just wear the t-shirt. HA! Literally. All of my art work, I believe that Jess is my muse, she is the one who is sending me the inspiration to paint and draw all of this stuff. You've seen it. I have no fucking clue where some of it comes from. Since I started playing my Abuelo's guitar I have written a few songs too. Between expressing my inner being, and working out, and being a nurse(double time)...I don't have time for much else these days. I am a busy woman. And I like it. Call me a workaholic if you will, it's a title I will proudly wear! You all know me, and how I feel about labels and titles...enough said. I will be in Washington soon, for three weeks, I will consider that a bit of a vacation for me. I love the West Coast. Whose bright idea was it to live on the East? Ohh....that would be me... :-P ! Hey, can't help it! NYC has the best vibe, it's like it's own country with all the energy it holds! I love it! Someone I know, Blair....ahh hem...is going to tell me that I need to remember to take time to heal, and time for myself. I know hon, I will! Luv ya!
What else, what else....my mind is buzzing and my keyboard was getting dusty. I know I have more to say. K I was wrong, I ran out of things to write about, but it could have something to do with the fact that I am fucking TIRED! Sleep is good, so I'm gonna go get me some.
Love Ya!
Fundacion Pies Descalzos
Hey everybody! I bought this shirt at the Hard Rock Cafe when I was in Niagra Falls in March. You should get one to support the Fundacion Pies Descalzos (The Bare Feet Foundation)! They also make a pin of the design on the front of the t-shirt. The foundation is to benefit children in Colombia who have been devastated by what's going on there. Here are two links:
hardrock.com/estore
(look in the ladies tee section for "Shakira Signature Series Tee")
fundacionpiesdescalzos.com/english
(this website tells you all about the foundation)
Luv Ya!
hardrock.com/estore
(look in the ladies tee section for "Shakira Signature Series Tee")
fundacionpiesdescalzos.com/english
(this website tells you all about the foundation)
Luv Ya!
Yea...more art...I know! Patience...
I will put up some posts with words instead of art soon. I am quietly collecting my thoughts. I'm sure you all are getting sick of just seeing pictures of my art...LOL! Love ya!
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Who Knows Where It All Comes From
I can't figure out where all this inspiration is coming from. I guess not allowing myself to be artistic for almost a year really did some good for my art. I hope you like it!
The Life I Live Today
I had a conversation with someone on Friday that really made me think about what it's like to still be alive. We were just catching up, and the subject came to the time I spent lost in the foster care system...she said "Wow what an amazing life you've had'. I was like who me? No. It just never seems any different from everyone else's life until I really think about it. Even then, there are people who have survived and had a worse life than I have. It's not really about that though. It's not about whose was worse or who survived more. It's about surviving it, healing from it, and LIVING. I don't judge my life based upon the bad things I've survived, I judge it by the good things I have done and experienced. I have had so many amazing things happen and so many good people in my life! My parents came to NYC from Colombia before I was born, they gave me a great life while they could. They were killed in a car accident when I was two. I spent 14 years (age 2-16) in foster care. I ran away when I was 16, and started my own life. I lived in a run down place with my friend and her parents, I worked in a strip club using a fake ID, and I dropped out of high school. That didn't last long though. I got my GED, became a Nursing Assistant and starting taking classes to become and LPN when I was 18. It took me until I was 23 but I did it, I became an RN! That is the best thing that ever happened to me. Foster care was horrible. I was beaten and molested. The other kids were horrible as well! It was good to get out. I met Jess in the middle of all that, she was the love of my life! She supported me through my rape, I lost her sadly. Through everything, being a nurse has been my ticket out. It has gotten me where I am today. My friends and family are so awesome, there are no words to describe them. If that's what an amazing life is, I'm glad I have been given the life I live today!
Friday, June 1, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)